ADHD explained.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been administratively challenged/off with the fairies/ditzy. I’ve had a diary in my bag, on my phone, on my fridge. I’ve had post-it notes flapping off door frames, my computer screen, my forehead. I’ve set reminders and alarms. And I have consistently forgotten my best friend’s birthday, lunch dates, my own head. Most of the people in my life love me regardless (or I’d have no people to speak of!) and the rest decided long ago that my forgetfulness translated into lack of care. To those patient, kind and forgiving ones, I am grateful beyond words. To the others – I don’t blame you. I’d have ditched me too.
This little personality quirk (isn’t that a lovely phrase?) of mine has caused me endless stress and heartache too. I have spent what adds up to my entire adult life feeling terrified that I am about to let someone I love down and equally depressed about the fact that I just did it again. The “I can’t believe I am so stupid and unable to remember the most basic things” burden gets heavy, I tell ya.
A few months ago, I started to get really anxious because people would talk to me about conversations we’d had and I had no recollection at all. None. Darren would recount an entire dialogue and I’d look at him blankly. I cringe at the thought of just how uninterested in what he had to say I must have seemed. I decided that this was beyond normal forgetfulness. This no longer fit in the “quirky” category. I made an appointment to see a shrink.
I sat in the waiting room of the psychiatrist, and tapped my feet. I read a few sentences of a magazine. I poured a cup of water. I checked my messages. I tried to not think about the horrendous thing that must be wrong with my brain.
The Doctor called me in and asked for my referral. Bugger! Even though I had stuck a post-it to the toaster and the front door, put a reminder alarm in my iPhone and put the referral on my bag, I had forgotten it. Well, at least I had a demonstrable example of my problem. After lengthy discussion and extensive tests, the Doctor smiled and cheerfully dropped this bombshell: “You have ADHD. You have always had ADHD but it was never diagnosed.”
What?
I thought ADHD made people bounce off the walls. I thought that people with ADHD were hyperactive. I thought it was something only kids had. Well – it seems that there are two basic forms of the syndrome: Passive and Active. I have the passive form, which means my brain is hyperactive, not my body. This so aptly explains the random thoughts flying around my head non-stop. I was put on a Ritalin trial and told to report back in a few days when I’d got the dose right.
Okay, let me say unequivocally, if I had doubts about the diagnosis, going on Ritalin cancelled them out 100%.
I had not realised that what was going on in my head incessantly, my whole life, was not normal. Here’s a nifty little image (courtesy of http://www.idreamofclean.net) that demonstrates the difference in my brain with and without medication:
Photo from http://www.idreamofclean.net
The first day I took Ritalin, I sat at the dinner table with the family and tears poured down my cheeks. Darren, alarmed, asked me what was wrong. I explained that, for the first time in my life, I could focus on the conversation. I didn’t have to put immense effort into focusing on what was being said while fighting the multitude of distractions around me. I could relax and enjoy. I had not realised how exhausting my world had been.
You see, the ADHD brain – unmedicated – is like a wardrobe of clothes that have fallen off the hangers and slid off the shelves. Everything is in there, but there is no organisation. And no matter how many different ways you try to tidy up that wardrobe, each time you open it to find your favourite shoes, you get so bogged down with picking up everything around and on top of them that you forgot you were there for the shoes in the first place. It’s hell. The worst part is that nobody gets it, especially the person with undiagnosed ADHD. They say that undiagnosed ADHD is a leading cause of marital break-ups and I totally understand it. I can’t imagine how much Darren must have resented me when I said I’d do something, then didn’t follow through because I forgot. It looked like I didn’t care. The truth was, I cared deeply, but was unable to get to whatever it was, because my brain was in a constant whirl. The reason I had memory holes was because my brain had compensated, after so many years, for not being able to stay focused on a conversation by going onto auto-pilot. Essentially, without me being aware, my brain would switch off mid-conversation and go off somewhere else, while I continued to have the conversation on a superficial level. I had no idea. None at all. I thought I was forgetful, stupid, incapable.
I am so grateful that I have a husband who loves me regardless of the multitude of times I was a totally useless partner to him. I am so blessed that he saw the effort more than the result. To say he isn’t relieved that it’s fixable, however, would be a lie! We are both delighted.
Now, on Ritalin, I am efficient. I am happy. I am not in a perpetual state of fear and anxiety. I am thrilled to say I have ADHD and above all, grateful for modern medicine. My life has changed dramatically for the better.
So there you have it.
One downside… if I forget your birthday now, I’m screwed.
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You may also like Kids ADHD Explained.
Posted on J June, 2012, in ADHD, Family, Gratitude, Life, Motherhood, Parenting, Self-esteem and tagged ADHD, ADHD nearly ruined my marriage, Adult ADHD, can't remember the simplest things, Do I have ADHD, Does Ritalin work?, I have just been diagnose with ADHD, mental-health, off with the fairies, Ritalin, symptoms of ADHD, undiagnosed, What does ADHD feel like? What does it feel like to have ADHD, You have ADHD. Bookmark the permalink. 22 Comments.
OK so exactly WHEN did you go on Ritalin? Haha just joking! Great blog and I know someone who may be interested to read it.
Verrrrry funny. :p it’s been 3 months and a whole life changed. Please pass on my blog – I have lots to share
Exactly WHEN did you go on Ritalin? Haha just joking! Congratulations on your blog Mishi. I know someone who might be interested to read this one.
Really enjoy your writing Mich.
<3 this post too.
Btw. Have tried to follow you but there must be a problem with mobile as it won't let me. Please send me a mail invite to follow you.
Thanks and hope you have a super Monday.
Mine IS great.
Hi Di – there is a follow button on the top right hand side of the blog. Just click and join. Not sure how to email invite yet
Will try on pc later.
Xx
What a great post! And really, so brave and wonderful to have you share with all of us. I know a couple of people who find ritalin a lifesaver – so glad it makes a fabulous difference in your life
Thank you Dara! xoxo
W-O-W!! Well, there you go! I’m so happy that you have an answer and a solution!
This has come at a most appropriate time in my life and I truly thank you for sharing xx
Greatest pleasure. People seem to hide behind the fear of stigmas. It makes no sense – sharing normalises things and opens up conversations. Feel free to call me anytime with any questions. I might even be able to focus long enough to answer them! ;p
Glad you got it sorted Mish. I had a similar problem & my doc also suggested I had ADHD. We found my serotonin levels really low & my anti-depressants sorted that out. I am a lot better but still feel like I have porridge brain almost every day. Then again I do have 2 kids! I also agee that people are so worried about the stigma but that is really old fashioned thinking. I’m all for recognizing there is a problem & taking action for my own sanity if not for anyone else’s!!! Thanks for sharing! I can imagine the relief! Please dont put yourself down though. We are human after all xxx
Great post, Michelle, it’s good you were able to follow through and get the help you needed. Love the blog. Hugs.
Thanks Frances:) It’s made a world of difference. Thanks for visiting my blog! Please click the follow button on the right – I promise to keep you entertained!
I was diagnosed three years ago in my late 40\’s. It was a revelation. Unfortunately my initial experience with medication was not good. Panic attacks. I decided that my symptoms were not so severe that I couldn\’t just cope by other means, and so far it is working. At minimum, at least I can stop beating myself up about those things which I have no control over.
You mention the passive and active modes of ADHD. Frankly I have never read that before (or perhaps I did and just forgot – ha!) – but that was a real epiphany for me! I had always heard that some were hyperactive, some were not. But describing it as hyperactivity of the brain vs the body just fits so perfect. I had to stop reading the blog and go tell my wife about it, and I am exercising great self-control just to avoid a whole lot of exclamation points in my comment. I really love the exclamation point…
So any way, all that just to say thanks for posting this! Oh rats, one slipped out…
Glenn, I am so thrilled! You have made my day
(see an acclamation mark AND a smiley – clearly, the Ritalin has worn off….)
Feel free to contact me to discuss anything ADHD related – I feel like I have been relieved of such a heavy burden and it would make me so happy to know that I am able to help someone else feel this way.
Have a gorgeous week.
Well rats. I had a reply half-way typed out, then clicked on something I shouldn’t have and WordPress doesn’t save the cache so it’s all gone. *sigh*
Maybe this time I’ll try to give you the short version.
You may be amused (or not) as to how I ended up on your site this morning (it’s 11:30am in Texas). It goes something like this…
First, I was reading JohnnyBTruant.com – he mentioned someone named Peter Shankman who is a successful entrepreneur and who credits his ADD with part of his success. A much different story than my own, I might add. So this got me to thinking about a recent evening with friends. I shared my diagnosis and the immediate response was to ask why I wanted to label myself? They also dismissed the significance of any symptom. I think they meant well, but it can be disheartening, or just annoying. So I went to ADDForum.com to comment on this and somehow, somewhere (although it does not seem to exist in my browser history) I ran across a link to this post.
Yep, that was the short version. You’re wecome
I am speechless. I only wish I had found out sooner. I’ve suffered years of unnecessary struggles. Your post made me cry. You shared this so beautifully. My meds aren’t working well. At all. Thank you for the hope.
We need to talk. I’ve been through four different meds until how Ive finally found one that fits. The difference is crazy. There IS light at the end of this tunnel (now where did we hide that switch???)
I would love to talk. I’m feeling pretty discouraged lately. Having answers and finding some relief are two different subjects.
Hi
Great blog. I came across your blogsite by accident and was reading through your old posts when I came across this one. The things you say about pre-medication decribe me excatly and after I type this I am going to look into it further (it had been suggested to me before but as another replier said I thought it was 1 only kids and 2 made you bounce off the walls
Thanks so much for this post
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