You suck!

“You suck!”

Are you aware that you tell your kids this all the time? I did once. I would tell them, “You’re fat, unattractive, unloveable. You are not good enough. I wish you looked like that prettier person over there.”

Shocked? I’ll bet that you do the same. Every day. And you don’t even know it.

Let me explain.

That child of yours looks at you like you’re a superhero, right? To her, you’re the most beautiful, cleverest, strongest person in the whole wide world. EVER. She wants to be just like you because, to her, you are everything.  From the time she was little, she mimicked you. She wore bejeweled necklaces and tottered around in your high heels. She painted your lipstick all over her face and looked at herself in the mirror, admiring just how like you she was. She speaks like you, she walks like you. And, as she grows up, she’ll look to you for advice. YOU ARE HER EVERYTHING.

She watches you even when you think she isn’t – especially when you think she isn’t.

She sees you looking in the mirror, grimacing and muttering about your cellulite. She hears you discussing how fat you think you are and how disgusting you think you look in your jeans. She watches you as you eat a piece of chocolate and then admonish yourself for being naughty. She is hyper-aware of the ugly names you call yourself when you make a mistake.

Here’s the thing. She thinks you’re perfect and she aspires to be just like you. If you call yourself – her hero - fat, stupid, ugly and worthless, you’re telling her that even if she manages to reach the pinnacle of perfection that you, in her eyes, are, you will think these things about her. She will learn from you that she will never be good enough. Because you don’t think you are good enough.

I used to be that person – the one who would say horrendous things to myself that I would never say to my worst enemy. Things that I would never let someone say to anyone I love. But somehow, it was okay to say these things to myself. Until, one day, when I was standing in front of the mirror, looking hatefully at myself and my little girl happened to walk in. She saw me looking at myself and said “Mum, why do you look so cross?” She gazed at me like I was an angel. Her eyes were filled with absolute love and admiration. She looked at me like I was the most exquisite person she had ever seen. A light bulb switched on in my head. Why not at least try to start seeing myself the way she sees me? Why not look in the mirror and see myself through kinder eyes.

Things changed after that day. Of course I still see my (multitude of) flaws. Oh, boy, do I see them! But I try my best to eat well, exercise and dress well. I even make it out of the house most days not covered in Vegemite. The difference is that when I look in the mirror, I see someone who has had three kids, who is a devoted mum and wife, who works really hard, who has her own unique talents. I see kind eyes. I see a generous heart. And when my little girl walks in and catches me eyeing out my saggy spectacular bum, I look at her, smile and say “Don’t I look lovely today?” And, do you know what? She does a cheerful twirl in front of the mirror, smiles a gappy grin and says, “Yes! And I look beautiful, too!”

They don’t always listen to what we say, but they absolutely learn from what we do.

Do you want your child to love herself? Don’t tell her she’s worth it. Tell her you are. 

 
BlogHer Voices of the Year committees have selected "You Suck!" to be honored at the 5th annual Voices of the Year Community Keynote.    Out of over 2,000 submissions, the committee has chosen "You Suck!" to be among the 25 Honorees in the Inspiration category.

Out of over 2,000 submissions, the BlogHer Voices of the Year Committee has chosen “You Suck!” to be among the 25 Honorees in the Inspiration category. “You Suck!” will be honored at the 5th annual Voices of the Year Community Keynote at the BlogHer ’13 Conference in Chicago.

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Posted on J June, 2012, in Family, Featured, Gratitude, Life, Motherhood, Parenting, Self-esteem and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 83 Comments.

45 comments
Leslie Marinelli (@TheBeardedIris)
Leslie Marinelli (@TheBeardedIris)

WOW, Michelle. No wonder this was selected as a BlogHer Voice of the Year post. It is absolutely breathtaking. Meeting you was one of the highlights of that conference for me. You are a joy to be around!

sytropin wiki
sytropin wiki

Aw, this was an extremely good post. Finding the time and actual effort to create a great article… but what can I say… I put things off a whole lot and don't manage to get nearly anything done.

Virginia
Virginia

I'm late to the party, but I'm here to say congrats on the VOTY honor! I can see why it was selected. :) It's so much better to look at the world or ourselves through a child's eyes.

Molley@A Mother Life
Molley@A Mother Life

I try so hard not to do this but I'm sure I still do. Thanks for the reminder

Frugalistablog
Frugalistablog

Don't make me cry!!! I had a whole 'Come to Jesus' day yesterday. I cried all day. And realized how much I don't like myself. Shocking, I know. But I'm working on accepting the 40 year old me. The me that I can be, and yes, for my daughter especially!!! I'm working on my blog post in my head still, I'll let you know when I get it done. Thank you for this.

Heartfelt Balance Handmade lIfe
Heartfelt Balance Handmade lIfe

I love this post! So beautifully written and it's so true that most of us do this. I do it all the time. My husband even talks about how "fat" he is and my son asked me today, "Mom, why does daddy always say he's fat?" They ARE listening!

Michelle
Michelle

Wow what a beautiful post. Certainly got me thinking about how my self-directed negativity might be affecting my two boys. So happy to have discovered your blog. :)

Carolyn savage
Carolyn savage

What a great sentiment and post! Will definitely be sharing!

Christina Hibbert, Psy.D.
Christina Hibbert, Psy.D.

Thank you for this, Michelle. It is such an important topic. Once my 7 year-old daughter heard me telling my husband "I just hate myself!" (during a particularly tough time of my life--see "The Psychologist, the Mom, and Me http://www.drchristinahibbert.com/2012/02/). Granted, I was under extreme life stress, but I had no idea she was standing outside the door and heard. The next day I heard her say the same thing about herself when she'd made a mistake. We had a long heart-to-heart as I explained what had prompted me to say what I had said about myself and it helped her understand how to handle her feelings about herself a little better too. It really opened my eyes to the power that our words about ourselves have on our children. But, if we take the opportunity we can teach our children as we go that no matter how they feel about themselves from time to time, they are important, beautiful, and most importantly, loved:).

David A.
David A.

Fantastic! Thank you. Do you know of anything similar specifically for boys?

didoodlesaboutstuff
didoodlesaboutstuff

Wow. This is soooo true. I laughed at myself and my son asked why I was laughing so I told him that sometimes I'm a "chop". He said he wishes I wouldn't put myself down because I'm not. Thanks Mich for this! :)

Natalie
Natalie

Oh My Gosh Michelle, You have such a way with words and thoughts... I'm sitting here trying not to cry... This is getting printed and put up to remind me to look after myself better for my baby's sake.

Becky
Becky

I adored and loved this - thank you so much for sharing. I feel like I know how to better now raise a woman, and also have found a new "Mommy Blog" to read!

Finally... Wendy Wanders
Finally... Wendy Wanders

Beautifully written and so very true. I know it's cliche, but actions do speak so much louder than words. Your piece makes me realize that perhaps our sons are getting just as big of a disservice when we are so critical of ourselves. After all, if we are never satisfied with what we see in the mirror, imagine what that does to their version of what they should look for in a woman. Talk about instilling unrealistic expectations! This is a great post and I am so glad I stopped by! I'm looking forward to reading more :-)

jfay1995
jfay1995

so true. They look up to us all the time. We need to believe in ourselves and be the role model that they would want to be.

rolenemarks
rolenemarks

This is profound and beautifully written. The message is SO important. Please please please send this to magazines. Superb piece!

Adrienne
Adrienne

Beautifully written as usual! Great advice - not just for girls - it amazes me how much my son takes in about my constant food guilt and loathing I have for my body. Boys also need to learn to love the bodies we have so that they can go on to love themselves and the woman they might love in the future.

marimusing
marimusing

I remember us chatting about this some time back Mishi, and while I'm wont to prance down the hallway pumping my fist and singing, "I'm so cool, I'm so cool" when things are going well, I was damned mean to myself the other day. I am lucky enough to have a very switched-on 16-year-old daughter, who promptly chastised me and said she found my comments offensive, particularly as she thinks I'm beautiful and what I was saying wasn't true at all. So there, sternly put in my place by my baby and gently reminded by you my friend.

slapppshot
slapppshot

Wow...talk about giving me a thought for the day!!! Your comment, 'Why not look in the mirror and see myself through kinder eyes.', sort of sums everything up. Now, maybe I don't spend as much time looking at myself in the mirror as other people, but your message is one that can be used for everything you do as a parent. A brilliantly written piece and a point i Shall no doubt be mulling over during the course of the day!!!

Bob Lewsen
Bob Lewsen

Such sagacious and cogent advice; so proud of you!

Gill Katz
Gill Katz

Woke me up... yes it did. Thanks for the lesson :)

Gill Katz
Gill Katz

It never dawned on me til I read this - how true it is... Thanks Mishy. I am still learning from you :)

Lauren
Lauren

Beautiful Mishy! And sooooo true!

mummymishy
mummymishy

Thank you, Leslie. From you, that's praise of the highest order. I have adored your blog for the longest time and was hoping I would get to meet you at BlogHer - you were one of the writers that inspired me to start this blogging journey in the first place. I'm so glad you popped by!

mummymishy
mummymishy

I know that bitch in your head, Frugie. I know her intimately. She is telling you right now that the person who writes your amazing posts and creates your hilarious videos is a fraud. she is, isn't she? She is telling you that you're letting people down, she's telling you that you're not as good as we all think you are and sooner or later we will all see it. She's telling you that you are failing your kids. She's telling you that you should be ashamed of your body. I'd bet a lot that I'm right. I'd bet I'm eerily accurate. Here's the thing - she doesn't control you. You control her. Shut the bitch up! Listen to the people who love you, see yourself through their eyes. Xoxoxoxoxoxo

Lucy Ball
Lucy Ball

Awww, sweetie. This is just what I needed to hear. Keep it coming!

mummymishy
mummymishy

Christi - I don't even know where to begin. Your story knocked the breath right out of me. I admire the grace and courage with which you've embraced your life changes. I will be following your blog and learning from you. Thank you for your comment - it's quite something coming from someone with your background. Take care!

mummymishy
mummymishy

Wow-talk about being on the same wavelength! Love your post, love the way you write xoxo

mummymishy
mummymishy

Thank YOU, Watch this space, David. Working on it :)

mummymishy
mummymishy

Wow, thank you Natalie. I am so humbled! You AND your baby are worth it.

mummymishy
mummymishy

You know, I wish I had written this a little more inclusively - it DOES apply equally to our sons. We HAVE to show them, by our actions, how to love themselves. Thanks for following me, Wendy :)

mummymishy
mummymishy

I hope you'll start being kinder to yourself, Adrienne. You are his Mom and besides everything else about you that's amazing THAT is enough to make you look in the mirror with love.

mummymishy
mummymishy

Georgi is a smart girl. LISTEN to her.

slapppshot
slapppshot

...and Yes, I do hear a certain accent coming through too :)

mummymishy
mummymishy

But you're the one who taught ME...

mummymishy
mummymishy

Thank you :) This is something we are all so guilty of.

Gill Katz
Gill Katz

I did? Ohhhh OK.. phew.. then I feel better!

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