Where did I come from?

(How not to answer the question.)

Little Man: Where did I come from, Mummy?
 
Gulp.
 
This conversation had been threatening to ambush me for weeks. I could feel it. This was my moment and I had only one chance not to stuff it up. I remembered the advice I’d been given by a much wiser mum-friend to give just enough enformation, but not too much. Age appropriate, Michelle, age appropriate.
 
I sat him down with me, put my arm around his shoulders and began to explain how Mummy and Daddy had decided that after we got married, were decided that even though we were so happy (carefree, spontaneous, able to sleep-in and did I mention spontaneous?) we really wanted a family. I went on to explain that, if two people reeeeallly love each other, they can use that love to make a baby. I (confidently, forthrightly and not-at-all-struggling-for-words like a bumbling idiot, not at all…) described how Daddy has special teeny tiny seeds called Sperm and Mummy has an Egg and that when we cuddled really tight, with love in our hearts, he gave me some seeds to join with my egg, and that would grow into a baby.
 
Little Man: Where does Daddy keep his seeds?
 
Me: (Dear Lord, what is this obsession with details?) Oh, um…well, you know that sac you both have under your penises? That’s where the seeds are kept.
 
Solemn nod. huge eyes.
Little Man: But why doesn’t he have a picture of us kids on that sac?
 
(My turn to look bewildered.)
Me: Huh?
 
Little Man: I mean, when you buy seeds at the shops, the pack has a picture of what you’re gonna grow. Why doesn’t Dad have a picture of us kids on his seed sac?”
 
Oh man. I don’t know how I maintained my poker face, but I deserve an award. This kid is so cute.
I explained that babies are amazing surprises and we only get to see what we get when they are born, kinda like a lucky dip. He was unimpressed.
 
Little Man: But how did he get the seeds out of his sac and into your tummy?
 
(Really? You couldn’t settle for the Cuddle story?)
Deep breath. Don’t hyperventilate, Michelle. Time to put on your big girl panties.
 
I said something about how Daddies are really clever because they can shoot their seeds out of their penises (hey, I know my audience, give me that at least) into Mummies’ tummies. (The actual wording is a blur. I might have blacked out. Forgive me.)
 
Little Man stared at me. Huge eyes. “O” shaped mouth. Slow blinking. Long pause.
 
Little Man: Whoa! That’s SO COOL!
 
The rest was pretty smooth sailing. No more questions to freak mummy out. He seemed happy, and strangely unaware of the giant puddle of sweat surrounding me. I gave myself a metaphorical pat on the back for openly discussing this topic and not running away screaming (tempting) or deflecting to Dad (oh, so tempting). I sat in my sweat puddle, looking at my little boy, basking in the after-glow of my excellent parenting.
Not so fast.
 
Little Man: Mum, thanks for explaining that to me. But would you mind answering my question?
 
Me: (Baffled) What question?
 
Little Man: Where did I come from?
 
Me: (Wondering whether I need to have this child assessed by a professional, because WAS HE EVEN LISTENING?) Um, what do you mean?
 
And here’s the corker…
Little Man: I mean, you came to Australia from South Africa. Where did I come from?
 
Face palm.
Should have deflected to Dad.
 
Okay, spill. Have you had THE TALK with your kids? Tell us how it went for you. Unless you were perfect and GwynethPaltrow-like, in which case, go away. Sharing is caring!

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Comments

  1. says

    Hahahaha! Love it! So funny Mishi. Of course for me, “The Talk” (x 2) was not recent enough to remember in detail, let alone the baby-making itself teehee! Funnily enough, I do remember RECEIVING The Talk when I walked in on Mum and Dad (under the covers but my suspicions were raised and I asked the “Why are you laughing? What were you doing?” questions, which gave Mum an in for The Talk.)

    My Mum loved talking about sex, as it happened – she had to be banned from sharing Too Much Information when I got older – so she told me how it is, straight up, I said, “Right”, and that was that squared away. When my turn came to pass on The Information, I just followed her lead and told it how it is, straight up, and they both said, “Right”, and that was that, squared away. Is that Gwenth Paltrow-like? In that case, I’d better go.

    Before I do, let me just add that, unlike my mother, I have not offered up any Instructional Information, nor will I!

    • says

      I adore you, Mari! :) You’re the coolest Mum and it shows – your teenage/adult kids are your mates :) I hope my kids will feel the same about me when they’re big and smelly.

      And no, you are decidedly NOT Gwyneth Paltrow-like. And thank heavens for that.

  2. Candy says

    Loved it Michelle! Especially the picture on a sac and sperm shooting out. you’re awesome! I question would your story change with BabyG??? For advice on this talk with girls?? I’m sure Myas is coming up as we have spoken about eggs in our Tummys that she is proud to have some how found out that they already exist in her tummy at 5! But not really asked yet about daddy’s role!! But it’s coming!

  3. says

    I had the question too from my daughter.
    Can’t remember how my sons came about. To be honest I think I deflected to dad. Haha.

    My son had just walked in the room when Fairy asked the question he replied with: “didn’t you know?
    We learned in school that the rooster bites the chicken on the back of her neck and then inserts his sperm”

    Fairy was horrified.: “Dad bites mom on the neck?”

    How I recovered from this lot I can’t remember fully but I do remember mentioning love helping a very tiny fairy on route to my tummy.

    ;)

  4. says

    This is hilarious!! I love it! From the vantage point of “mine-are-all-grown-up”, I can enjoy the humor!
    Personally? I trapped my daughter on a long car ride and told her the whole thing from start to finish while her face was plastered to the window. She still talks about the trauma.
    My husband took our two sons to the top of a mountain to get them nice and tired, handed out sandwiches and launched into the lecture. When I asked my youngest boy if he had learned anything, he said, “Sadly, yes.”

  5. says

    Michelle – I am laughing out loud! Oh so so so funny! I think you have inspired me to write a post about when I first had that conversation with my daughter. Let’s suffice it to say that her girlfriend’s teenage brother gave her some misinformation that I needed to correct!

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