An Open Letter to Jessica Simpson

Dear Jessica, 

I heard your exciting news on the radio this morning and I want to congratulate you. Apparently, you’re expecting a massive weight gain! I was under the impression that you were expecting a baby, but that ridiculous assumption was cleared up right away by those lovely DJs. I am obviously misguided in my (warped?) impression that pregnancy was all about creating a baby and growing a family. How silly of me.

Becoming a mother to Maxwell means you’ve done this before, so you can head into this new pregnancy with a few little lessons under your belt. (That’s if you can do it up at all, because according to the media, you’re E-NOR-MOUS.) What lessons do these doctors DJs think you should have learned, you ask? Well, certainly not how to deal with feeling like your uterus is falling out and your boobs are about to explode. Definitely not how to dress and walk in such a way that you still feel beautiful even though you’re waddling like a constipated duck. If you think it’s how to avoid the biggest pimple-attack since puberty or the Google-Maps-inspired varicose veins on your legs, you’d be wrong too.

You see, Jess (can I call you Jess?) even though you are making a whole new person, housing this person in your body and preparing yourself to also be the sole manufacturer of all the food for this little person when he or she comes out – all while simultaneously managing to be a functioning human being – the big lesson you’re supposed to get here is this:

Don’t get fat again. 

Because that’s the most important thing of all. Never mind the baby’s need for nutrients and your body’s needs to replenish it’s own supply – you have to be thin. You must only eat a lettuce leaf a day and exercise that damn lettuce leaf off before it so much as thinks of settling on your thighs. Don’t even consider giving me that stupid, “it’s not about me, it’s about my baby” argument because nothing in the world is as important as being thin. Which means that after the baby is born, you may not breastfeed and you have to exercise for six hours a day. Every day. Want to bond with your baby? Don’t be ridiculous. Who has time for that? What do you think nannies are for?

I do have good news, though. When you do lose all that baby weight, those radio DJs and magazine editors will love you again. They’ll print pictures of your “Incredible Weight Loss After Baby!” and nobody will joke about you having your own gravitational pull ever ever ever again.

And that will be worth it. Even if your children call your nanny, “Mama”.

Alternatively, Jess, you could tell those media asshats to shove it. Enjoy your pregnancy. Look after yourself and your baby. Eat a piece of chocolate. Put your feet up for five minutes. Be happy. And know that there is an army of mamas out there, just like me, who are fed up with this ignorant, damaging judgement of women based purely on their size. Regardless of how big or how skinny you get.

With love (and a chocolate-coated pickle),


Apparently, this is what a hideously over-weight pregnant woman looks like.

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You may also want to read:

You suck!

Thanks for the poo.

The Story of a High Horse.

A Monster Tale.

This post is in response to Daily Prompt: Audience of One


  1. says

    She looks beautiful. My son is 14 weeks old and I had a very similar pre-pregnancy figure to Jessica. Throughout my pregnancy, I kept thinking “So that’s what people really think of what I look like.” It was awful. The one time in life when you shouldn’t have to think about your weight, but no such luck. Ugh.

    • says

      I hate that you had that experience – it’s a time when you should have been feeling beautiful and miraculous. We women really need to start being kinder to ourselves and telling those nay-sayers exactly where they can get off. I hope you look in the mirror and see an incredible body which has given you the most priceless gift x

  2. says

    I. Love. You.

    One day, the world will have to deal with the fact that everything it “knew” about health, body weight, body shape, and women was learned from years of watching diet infomercials that were geared at making you feel awful so they could get your money to correct a problem you never had.

    • says

      Love you too! The media doesn’t use its influence for good – it uses it for greed. Big difference. I feel sorry for celebrities, really. I found the weight gain hard enough in my own sheltered little suburban bubble.

  3. says

    I’m so out of the loop I had no clue she is pregnant again. Congrats to her and her hubby/fiancé (cannot remember if they got married). The reason I’m so far out if the loop on this is the very reason you wrote this post. Leave Jessica Simpson and any other woman the heck alone. She’s pregnant. And really, even if she wasn’t, why are people so obsessed with her weight gain? Great post!

  4. says

    EX-CEL-LENT POST!!! Congrats to the mommy-to-be and my biggest hope for her is she’s happy, healthy, and learns to love herself and all her vurves, baby inspired and otherwise! And yes, that she speaks out and tells the media to shove it!

  5. dinkyinky says

    Beauty is what you perceive of it, and pregnancy is the most beautiful. Your whole outlook on life changes. Look at that picture of her. She’s radiant, and not because of airbrushed tans or makeup artists and hairstylists, it’s that joy of being a Mother. Those DJ’s need a good swift kick in the arse from 1,000’s of us in charge, no bull allowed Mama’s.

    I’ve always been thin. Oh, and I was always self-conscious, having been bullied all throughout school for being half Asian and Half Polish. When pregnant with one I didn’t lose, I was gloriously happy because I was gaining weight, and told everyone including my brother to shove it where the Sun doesn’t shine when they called my 70+lb weight gain bad. I had a beautiful baby growing inside.
    People still make comments about the little part on my tummy that hasn’t flattened out yet. I get the fat albert and hippo hips comment. I smile and thank them for complimenting my battle scars, then walk away while they are still confused.

    I’m 39, 5’3″, float between 150-160 these days, with only my tummy as a trouble spot, and wear between a petite 7-10 depending on the designer. I can powerwalk and sing along with the songs on my iPod, even with my allergy asthma. Only a totally clueless MD would dare call me fat.

    Back when I was 118 lbs and in a tailored 0-2, I was a trainwreck. I had low self esteem, low self worth, only a handful of friends who stood by me through everything. I was alone and loathed it.

    Size 2 can shove it. I’m in charge!

  6. says

    I gained a ton of wait with both of my little girls. I now have a body that I don’t recognize. However, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I will take my spider veins and my fat rolls. I will no longer wear a size that is “acceptable” to some but who the hell cares? I have two beautiful little girls. It really does feel like you get a glimpse of heaven when you look into the eyes of your children. Who cares if you have extra weight when you have that. AWESOME POST! BRAVO!

  7. says

    I love this. People are such giant tools with pregnant women- regular or celebrity. With mine i gained from 35-50lbs EXCEPT for the one pregnancy where i tried to do it “right”. I gained 16lbs and was miserable. Measured what i ate, went to bed hungry, was OBSESSED with working out- all so i could look “great”. It was dangerous and i’m lucky i had a healthy baby. The focus on weight gain and not on a healthy baby- like EVER- is insane. Great post!

  8. says

    Michelle – good for you! I have a niece who has struggled with anorexia for over a decade. Maybe when the media stops making such a big deal out of the need to be thin, this horrible disease will go away. I remember after my daughter was born and I fretted over my figure, my husband said – “You just created a new human being, give yourself a break!”

  9. says

    Great post…..i loved being pregnant (almost every minute of it) except where in those first few weeks my arse decided to become it’s own continent and the ability to wear prepregnancy jeans was a farse in my world because the seems were about to split…….:) My husband was the best, everytime I said I was “fat” he made a point to correct me and say no you are pregnant and carrying my sweet baby!! God love him- any question as to why I have stayed with hime 16+ years and am about to celebrate 10th anniversary this friday.


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