The past week, for us Australians, has been traumatic. We’ve been glued to our TVs as we’ve watched the final days of the Brett Peter Cowan trial. We’ve cried for the Morcombe family as they’ve had to face the monster who murdered their young son, Daniel, in court day after day.
This monster, Brett Cowan, showed not a shred of remorse for ripping away the life of thirteen year old Daniel Morcombe to satisfy his own sick pleasures. I won’t go into my anger at the justice system that released Brett Cowen twice after brutally raping two other little boys. One of those boys, Timothy Nicholls – only seven years old when he was abducted and raped repeatedly and so brutally that he almost died, says Brett Cowan took his life that day. For that crime, Brett Peter Cowan was sentenced to a hideously inadequate seven years in jail and was set free.
I have chosen not to rail against this inept system here, however, because that’s a post that won’t achieve anything more than fuelling more anger and pain. What I will do is, in the small way I can, attempt to help other parents to arm their children against the sick predators, like Brett Peter Cowan, in our world. That way, something positive might come of the horror that Timothy Nicholls, Daniel Morcombe and countless other children have endured at the hands of these sick pedophiles.
After much research, I’d like to share with you these 10 ways to empower our children:
1. Don’t force your child to hug sweet Aunt Bertha.
Why? we need to teach our children to trust their instincts – to listen to that inner voice that tells them that it doesn’t feel nice to be touched sometimes. Let them know that you back them up, even if it hurts the other person’s feelings. Chances are, Great Aunt Bertha isn’t a pedophile – but the lesson here is that they are allowed to choose who touches them and how they are touched. They need to know that they, and only they, are the boss of their bodies. They need to know, one hundred percent, that they have their parents’ backing to say “no”.
2. Teach your children to say NO.
Of course, our kids should have a healthy respect for authority, but they should also understand that that respect should never be at the expense of their own self-respect. Teach your kids to feel comfortable saying “no” if an authority figure asks them to do something that they are uncomfortable doing. Allow them the experience of listening to their instincts, acting on them and being supported. If they know they can say “no” and that their parents will support them and listen to them, they are less likely to be targeted. Pedophiles target children who fear authority and lack confidence to speak out.
3. Show your children that you trust them.
Listen to your children when they are talking. Really listen, and do so without judgement, brush-offs or over-reaction. Children who feel heard and validated are less likely to be coerced into keeping ‘bad secrets’. Children who trust that their parents listen when they speak and trust what they say will be less likely to keep bad experiences from their parents and more likely to discuss bad feelings when they crop up.
4. Teach your children the difference between good secrets and bad secrets.
Good secrets are secrets that are meant to be told and ones that feel good to keep – like surprise parties, new baby siblings, the macaroni-necklace that’s being made more Mother’s Day. Bad secrets are secrets that feel bad to keep and that will never be told. They are secrets that have bad consequences attached. Tell your kids that no matter what anyone says, no matter who it is that asks them to keep bad secrets, they should never be kept. Good people will never ask kids to keep bad secrets.
5. Teach your children the difference between good touch and bad touch.
Good touch is simply touching that feels good – like cuddles with mum or dad. Cuddling can also feel bad – that bad feeling is your child’s instincts kicking in. Teach your children to listen to their inner-voice that tells them when a hug or a stroke feels off. Bad touch is not only sexual touching – pedophiles groom children, and often start with cuddles, back tickles and so on. If someone touches your children in any way that makes them feel bad, they have the right to say, ‘no’ loudly and assertively and immediately tell.
6. Never go with a stranger, ever.
Drill scenarios with your children. Role play situations where a stranger might try to lure them. Brainstorm ways of dealing with it. Work out a family password for the exceptional time you may need a stranger to pick them up. Educate your kids that there are adults out there who want to harm children and teach them to be aware of their surroundings. Teach them to stay in groups and avoid being alone in public places. If they notice anyone looking strange, teach them that it is okay to point that person out to a trusted adult. However, be aware that the majority of sexual abuse happens at the hands of a known adult. Similarly, not every friendly stranger is a pedophile and to create a disproportionate fear of strangers isn’t the aim here, either.
7. Teach your kids to fight and make a noise.
A brilliant word of advice I was given was to teach my kids to yell as loudly as they can, “This is a stranger!” because we have all looked at the mum or dad leaving the playground with a kicking, screaming and tantruming child and thought, “that poor parent.” That could easily be someone abducting that child. If the child was yelling that it was a stranger, we’d be more likely to take notice and hopefully jump in and help.
8. Define boundaries.
Make sure your child is aware of the roles of the adults in her life. If she understands what to expect from each person, she is also better equipped to identify when a line is being crossed. The vast majority of sexual predators are known to the children they abuse. If we make it clear to our children what each adult’s role is in their lives and are clear about the boundaries, our children will be more likely to identify the line that is being crossed.
9. Give your children positive attention and lots of it.
A child who is given affection and attention at home is less likely to fall for the seduction of a pedophile. That child is more aware of what good touch feels like and can more easily identify bad touch.
10. Keep your eyes open.
If there is someone in your life paying extraordinary attention to your child, it’s a red flag. If you know someone who regularly comments on your child’s physicality, it’s a red flag. If there’s someone in your child’s life who persistently offers to babysit, drop or fetch, take your child on outings, it’s a red flag. Of course, not all these people are pedophiles, but they are worth watching.
These are tips I have picked up after extensive research. Please feel free to add your own in the comments section. If we work together, I do believe we can give our children the tools they need to freely explore their world, not fearfully, but with confidence and joy.
Thank you for this incredibly important list!
“1. Don’t force your child to hug sweet Aunt Bertha.” I am a firm believer in this one. Only my oldest really understands any of my advice, but even for the youngest I make it clear to people that if they don’t want to be hugged or touched then stop. It’s their body and they have every right to set the boundaries they’re comfortable with.
“If there’s someone in your child’s life who persistently offers to babysit.” I’ve told my husband in no uncertain terms that a certain family member of his who is guilty of the above is NEVER allowed to be alone with our daughters, EVER. My husband thinks I’m over-reacting, but he’s also agreed because he knows I’m a good mother and he’d rather not find out the hard way that I’m right.
This is a great list. I hope people really read this thoughtfully and put these things into practice. Most people who prey on children are family members or friends, so people really have to keep their eyes open and listen to their instincts.
Thanks for posting this!
Thank you for taking the time to add to the discussion. As for your family member, your husband is probably right but you STILL have to listen to your gut. You’re a good mama!
Thanks for sharing. My oldest is only 2 but there are sickos out there that can target them too.
Thanks Mich. I like the tip about telling your child specifically to tell “this is a stranger” if someone tries to grab them. Never thought of that and have seem plenty of adults pulling a screaming kid away from a play ground (have had to to it many times myself!)
Reblogged this on Action Jackson and Marveled Mommy and commented:
This really touches home. I hate people that harm children.
We are raising our children in a scary world. Thank you for this post – parents NEED to be aware and in turn, making their children aware. I like that you state to make your children aware that there are bad people with ill intentions – I am a firm believer in that. Children need to keep their right to be innocent & it starts with us parents!
I want to share with you a post from another blogger, who sadly knows from experience. This is HER list:
http://mythoughtsonapage.com/2014/02/26/ten-tips-to-help-keep-your-child-safe-from-abuse/
Thank you so much for contributing my post link to this important post. I would just like to add that my parents were incredibly loving and affectionate hands on parents, the problem was they didn’t know what to look out for. They never for a moment suspected what was going on.
That is why I am all for education. Not fear. There are so many wonderful role models for our children it would be wrong to not encourage access, but parents need to understand the risks.
Reading advice such as you have on this post is so important. Well done. I really believe posts like this save children.
Michelle, did that monster know the boys that he abducted? In the US, we have a law where convicted sex offenders have to register and can’t live within a certain distance of schools, playgrounds etc. Thank you for raising awareness about this issue. My daughter is 16 and I still worry, every day.
Hi Michelle,
I am in Brisbane, and to get to my parents place on the Sunshine Coast I have to drive past the point where Daniel was abducted. With two young children myself, I can catch glimpses of the pain felt by all those affected by such traumas. I completely agree with most of what you have written, but I would just like to add a few clarifications from my own point of view.
It is vitally important that we teach our kids to trust their instincts and set boundaries around their bodies from the earliest stage. I would add though that often ‘grooming’ behaviour can feel good! It can be fun to be tickled or stroked. So I have taught my children, in addition to good touch and bad touch, that if anyone asks you to keep a secret from mummy and daddy, adult or child, they are a bad guy and you need to tell us straight away. We’ve also spoken about how sometimes people might say you’d get in trouble for telling, or that something bad might happen. A great book for this is “Some Secrets Should Never be Kept”
http://www.kids-bookreview.com/2012/01/guest-post-some-secrets-should-never-be.html
As for never trusting or speaking to strangers, the problem with this is that the majority of strangers are not predators. Teaching our kids that strangers are to be feared, to never be alone… I don’t think that is a healthy attitude to grow up with. By all means, never GO with a stranger – another thing we teach our kids is that grown ups should never ask a child for help if their parent isn’t there to. So no helping look for puppies, no directions… but a conversation about the weather? Or a chat about the ice cream my daughter is buying at the shops (where she has walked by herself)? Fine.
The unfortunate truth is that by FAR the majority of child abuse comes from people already in the child’s life. These stats are a it old and from America, but I think they will be comparable to us here as well.Of all children under age 5 murdered from 1976-2005 –
31% were killed by fathers
29% were killed by mothers
23% were killed by male acquaintances
7% were killed by other relatives
3% were killed by strangers
Finally, I agree that we need to trust our guts about who we leave alone with our children. However, my SIL is always offering to take my kids for an outing, or just for a play. I see nothing suspicious here. I do the same! Certainly obsessively or inappropriately commenting on a child’s appearance would raise a flag… but my brother was a single man for a long time and loved babysitting both my and other kids… I would hate to think people would be suspicious of him just because he has a naturally nurturing personality.
I am so sorry, it feels like I’ve hijacked your post! I really do agree with what you have said, and I LOVE your blog. I just wanted to add my perspective as well.
God bless you and your ministry Michelle.
Josie, I so appreciate your comments and agree 100% with you on everything you’ve added. Thank you for adding such valid points to the discussion and further clarifying some of the points I could have made more clearly. Fabulous comment.
Michelle, I would also like to add that it’s very important that your child doesn’t feel like they are going to be in trouble if they tell. I had a stranger set off all sorts of warning signs when I was about 10 years old. My mother saw the man talking to me and told my brother to come and get me. I was relieved that I could get away from him (I didn’t know how to do it earlier because I was taught to respect elders and I didn’t want him to think I was rude), when I got near my Mom she asked me, “Who is that man? What was he asking you? I hope you didn’t tell him your name?”, she was obviously concerned, but her tone told me that if I told her the truth then she would be cross with me. So I shut up and never did a thing. I often wonder what would have happened if I had told my Mom the details of the conversation. When my kids disclose something I try my hardest not to over react or make them feel like they are in trouble, especially when it concerns someone close to them. If they tell me “Granny told me not to tell you….” and I over react then my son feels like he’s in trouble and he’s gotten his granny into trouble! That will be the end of the open communication….It’s just so hard to protect our babies and now we have to do it in the real world and the online world!
Such great points here. I also try so hard (and often not successfully) to not react when my kids tell me something that frightens me. You are absolutely right – it is crucial to teach them, through out actions, that they can tell us anything without fear if judgement. Thank you.
Michelle, I would also like to add that it’s very important that your child doesn’t feel like they are going to be in trouble if they tell. I had a stranger set off all sorts of warning signs when I was about 10 years old. My mother saw the man talking to me and told my brother to come and get me. I was relieved that I could get away from him (I didn’t know how to do it earlier because I was taught to respect elders and I didn’t want him to think I was rude), when I got near my Mom she asked me, “Who is that man? What was he asking you? I hope you didn’t tell him your name?”, she was obviously concerned, but her tone told me that if I told her the truth then she would be cross with me. So I shut up and never did a thing. I often wonder what would have happened if I had told my Mom the details of the conversation. When my kids disclose something I try my hardest not to over react or make them feel like they are in trouble, especially when it concerns someone close to them. If they tell me “Granny told me not to tell you….” and I over react then my son feels like he’s in trouble and he’s gotten his granny into trouble! That will be the end of the open communication….It’s just so hard to protect our babies and now we have to do it in the real world and the online world!
Reblogged this on Jo's Family Day Care Blog and commented:
Having just attended a Protective Behaviours course last week, I’ve taken it as a bit of a sign that “They call me Mummy” has blogged this post. Maybe someone out there needs this information, all it takes is one small change and perhaps a child’s whole life can steer in a different direction. Listen to your warning signs and teach your children to listen to theirs!
Loved your strong message. Good advice. Also – tell kids to soil themselves if abducted. Pedophiles abhor dirty underwear of kids Sent from my iPhone
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I don’t know about the trial but the little you disclosed about it makes me sick. It is never too often to talk to our children about protecting themselves. Sharing this article!
Thank you so much for posting…so important for our kids to be have the knowledge and be empowered to help protect themselves.
All of your Points are very good. One Thing i would like to add is a Password for the Kids to know who is allowed to pick them up or not! A Word only the People who are allowed would know, so the Child knows its ok to go with them.
Reblogged this on I Like Pretty Colours.
I have always found it ironic that we teach our kids about stranger danger and yet when they are little and a stranger smiles or makes conversation in a grocery line, some parents encourage their kids to ‘be polite’ to the stranger. Not good! Thanks for posting some ideas to help parents and kids empower themselves!
Thanks for the reminders. I need to reiterate all of these with my kids. I remember when my oldest daughter was 3 and we had an incident with my father in law. I could never prove any wrongdoing on his part but I still feel, in my gut, that something was not right there. I will NOT let her or my other daughter be alone with him EVER again.
Thank you for your post. I think your advice is sound. I also wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your page! Thanks!
Here’s one other piece of advice I was once given and thought was good: During a parenting class I recently took, the teachers suggested teaching your children the proper terminology for thier private parts, saying that if your child tells an adult, like a teacher, that so-and-so is touching their ya-ya, it doesn’t raise a read flag, a ya-ya could be anything. But if a little girl says to the teacher that so-and-so is touching her vagina, that immediately raises the red flag!
Excellent article and as a teacher of self-defense classes, I couldn’t agree with you more. For a child, knowledge is power. The more they know ahead of time, the better they are able to protect themselves. Talk to your children about the very things listed above. Role play scenarios with them. Learn about the lures that pedophiles use and teach your kids to recognize and avoid them. Empower children with the confidence to say no.
Thank you for this comment – yes, talking and empowering kids with tools is absolutely key.
As a self-defence teacher, you might like this post: Parenting Like a Ninja
http://theycallmemummy.com/2013/06/19/ninja-parenting/
I also agree with you on this. I wrote a post about this very thing. Bullying is a multi-faceted monster that cannot be treated with a one size fits all type of solution. I hope Little Man is doing well!!
http://innerpowerdojo.wordpress.com/2012/11/02/stop-bullying-in-council-bluffs/
I can’t wait to read this! And thanks, he is doing great.
Thanks for that topic but how can I teach that to my daughter she is 4 years old and the younger on 19 month. Does she can understand me and what I have to tell her.
Thanks
Hi Sama,
There are a few things you can do with little kids. Start off by teaching them body parts. There’s a great book released by Family Planning Victoria called “Everyone’s got a bottom!”
http://www.fpq.com.au/publications/teachingAids/everyones_got_a_bottom.php
which is all about our bodies and keeping them safe. There for your older child, Depending on how comfortable you are you can start to talk about private parts, so those places covered by swimmers. My favourite book for this age is “It’s NOT the stork!” http://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-Stork-Families-Friends/dp/0763633313
– you may choose to read bits and pieces of it rather than the whole thing at once, but even 4 year olds can get a basic understanding of bodies and reproduction – and knowledge is power.
BTW, Mick, I am a priest. I am also a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a feminist, and a pro LBQTA rights activist. I am not a predator.
Keep ur kids away from churches. Full of peadophile priests and desperate sickos taken in by the church for so called salvation. It’s such a scam anyway. Just an insurance policy for sinners with guilty consciences
A good one my kids learnt at school was to not use the term “secrets” in your family. Teach your kids the term “surprise” instead. So any of the “good secrets” are now just surprises. Then teach your kids that if an adult tells them something is a “secret” it is a red flag and they should tell us.
Another tip from school- have your kids trace their hand and from left to right put the names of five different adults they can trust and go to if they need to talk to them about something. Teach the child that if the first adult doesn’t listen they go to the next person, and so on and so forth until eventually they are heard (and believed I assume).
Great suggestions Emily!
Great Post.
I was going to pin it, but don’t want that unmentionable’s face in a pin.
I understand people need to hear about the scum he is, but he doesn’t deserve to bare mention of his name. It’s Daniel’s name (& his other victims), that deserve to be mentioned & remembered.
Thank you so much for you post.
I am a survivor of child abuse and as a mum of three beautiful girls thought that I’d armed my children with the necessary tools to recognise abuse and be able to talk to me about it.
6 months ago my 5year old and 8 year old told me that they had been suffering abuse from our most trusted family friends husband. To say that it has rocked our world would be an understatement. This man has been charged with counts of indecent assault and sexual intercourse on my babies and I was oblivious even with my own experiences.
Parents, continually have the conversation with your children, I mean weekly, to the point where they finish your sentences because these monsters work hard to gain our trust and our children’s, they groom the entire family before they make their move. Your comment about educating them on appropriate touching and defining roles with people with whom you leave your children is so important.
Our journey has only just begun and the chances are that with our current system, this man will get away with what he’s done because my girls are vulnerable. There’s so much I could say but I’m just so glad that people are talking about this.
@Missy I cannot fathom what you must be going through and how it must be ripping your heart to pieces. You must be a wonderful mother for your young girls to have been able to come tell you about it. I can’t imagine it’s easy for manipulated kids to build up the courage to break bad secrets and risk the outcomes of the threats that abusers make. Sending you love and prayers for only happy times ahead.
@Jules I changed the pin because of your remark and I want to thank you for giving me that food for thought, You are a hundred percent right.
Thankyou for this article and I love your blog. Even though children are most at risk from predators known to the family, it makes you feel better as a parent if you can prepare them to help keep themselves safe if they are out in the world alone (particularly considering it was the story of Daniel that inspired this piece). Some great advice I got was not to teach your kids NOT to talk to strangers, because there could very likely be times in their lives when they get lost and they will need to talk to a stranger. So the important thing is that they choose who they talk to. My son is only 5 so we
don’t let him go anywhere alone, but if he ever finds himself anywhere without me, we’ve taught him to approach a woman and ask for help. Woman are statistically far less likely to target children for harm.