Have you been reading Baking in a Tornado? You should be (but I warn you, don’t read when hungry…) Well, Karen from Baking in a Tornado, hosts Secret Subject Swaps and today I’m crazy excited to be taking part in Take One of May’s Secret Subject Swaps. My subject (“If I could make any kiddie show character disappear forever, it would be ________, because _________.”) was submitted by Akashic Aisles: The Basement View.
Deep breaths, Michelle… Okay, you gorgeous people, here it is:
If I could make any kiddie show character disappear forever, it would be Dora the Explorer (who is only in the forest because nobody in the city will play with her.)
I spend approximately a sqillion hours per week reminding my kids to use their inside voices. They nod agreeably and promptly continue their conversation at a volume that has the ability to pierce through my skin and directly hit my nerves. Guess who taught them that yelling in each other’s faces is socially acceptable. Yep – friggin’ Dora.
She doesn’t stop there, though. No sirree. Not even close.
In her shrieking manner, this obnoxious kid encourages my children to go wondering off into the woods alone, armed with nothing but a talking/singing backpack and a monkey. Although, to be fair, she also takes her bull. Her BULL. Relevance? None. Where are her actual human friends? I’ll tell you. She has none because she is a shrieking, socially-awkward kid who talks to a backpack.
I am going to repeat that: She talks to her backpack. And it talks back. Something tells me that she may have snacked on some special mushrooms from the forest floor. Awesome that she has found a way to remain calm even though she is lost in the woods and has to safely get past swarms of bees and snapping crocodiles, I guess.
Good thing she has The Map. Not. Why is The Map a character? Who wrote that annoying map song with no attempt at actual lyrics?
The fact that The Map can calmly shoot the breeze with Dora the Mind-altering Explorer, bothers me. My problem here is, the idiot map loses it’s ability to talk when Dora finds herself in the woods alone. Of course. Have you noticed that when Dora and her menagerie decide they are going to “Grandma’s house!” via the snapping crocodiles, a wild waterfall and a haunted forest, (a route laid out conveniently by The Map) this map that usually doesn’t shut up with that mind-numbing ditty offers no help. Nada. Not a word. No gentle suggestion that perhaps Dora should go around the side and skip the traumatic obstacle course completely. Why? Because the Map is a bitch, that’s why.
Luckily, Dora has Baby G and the rest of the three-year-olds of the world, shrieking directions at the TV, to help her. The best part of all – Baby G gets to learn the valuable lesson that saying the magic words, “Swiper, no swiping!” will stop a wild animal from attacking her if she’s ever alone in a forest. Because that would TOTALLY work in real life.
We need to discuss Dora’s clothes. Really, we do. She needs an intervention.
The creators of Dora the Explorer could have chosen anything at all to dress her in and they chose hideous shorts and a mismatched, too-short t-shirt that rides up, causing one belly button reveal too many, thankyouverymuch.
I have been subjected to this belly-button exposing, unblinking-eyed, forest roaming, rubbish-talking kid for ten years, now. Ten years!
Dora needs to be put out to pasture. Either that or rehab to kick her shroom habit.
Which children’s TV character do you love to hate?
Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:
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