My precious children,
Tonight, I succumbed to peer pressure (exactly what I caution you NEVER to do) and went with a bunch of girlfriends to see Fifty Shades of Grey. I ignored the little voice in my head that implored me to just say “no!” because, after all, it’s just a silly movie, right? Well, I wish I had done as I always tell you to do and given that voice credit because it was right. The thing is, I’m also kind of glad I didn’t because now I have these words for you.
One day, in the not very distant future, I’m going to blink and gasp as I realise you’re suddenly old enough to see movies like Fifty Shades of Grey, yourselves. Of course, you or your friends may even decide that curiosity wins and risk sneaking a peek even earlier than that. Either way, I have to accept the hard fact that your innocent eyes and your uncorrupted minds are going to see this drivel sooner or later.
I am writing this so that when that day comes, you’ll recognise Fifty Shades of Grey for what it is, rather than what it pretends to be.
Let me begin by telling you what Fifty Shades of Grey is not.
It is not a love story.
It does a pretty convincing job of masquerading as one, for sure, but please believe me when I say that love doesn’t even have a cameo role in this plot.
It is also not a romantic fairytale with a harmless bit of naughtiness sprinkled on top.
Romance is glaringly absent, in fact. As for harmless S&M, please understand that this screenplay’s message is the polar opposite of harmless. In this ‘harmless’ piece of fluff movie, a rich, handsome, experienced man uses his power to seduce and manipulate a young, innocent student into doing a lot of things she is extremely uncomfortable doing.
They are not equals. They are not partners. There is, in fact, no ‘they’ to speak of at all.
Rather, it’s a movie about a narcissistic man’s controlling and violent sexual desires and his sense of entitlement to use and abuse a vulnerable young woman’s body and mind as tools for his own gratification. It’s all about his needs, coupled with the arrogant expectation that she should comply, regardless of her discomfort, to please him.
I sat in the theatre and looked around me at hundreds of women, buying into this so-called ‘sexy love story’ and I felt sick. If an entire theatre of women three times your age couldn’t see how damaging this plot line is, how on earth are teenage girls and boys supposed to?
Please, my daughters, don’t allow this romanticising of sexual domestic abuse fool you into believing that you should ever allow yourself to be treated like Anastasia Steele. Please, my son, don’t watch this one day and believe that it’s ever okay to intimidate, manipulate or disrespect a woman like the ‘hero’, Christian Grey. Nobody, male or female, wants or deserves to be disrespected, manipulated or violated against their wishes.
I hope, when the day comes that you’re grown up enough to be in a relationship, that you’ll understand that what goes on behind bedroom doors should always be pleasurable for both of you, regardless of your tastes. I hope you’ll understand that consent given under duress isn’t consent at all. I hope you’ll demand respect and that you’ll give respect in return.
Tonight, I walked out of the cinema feeling terrified and a little sad for your generation. If this is the movie that you base your ideals of love and romance on, then I need to make some things very clear and I hope you’re listening.
If someone wants to be with you, turning up at your part-time job unannounced when you haven’t ever even discussed that you have one and acting possessive when a co-worker talks to you is not romantic. It’s creepy.
If you say you’re a virgin and he responds by violently deflowering you, that’s not love. That’s assault.
If he tracks your whereabouts when you’re out clubbing and takes you to his hotel when you’re too drunk to make a rational decision, then undresses you and puts you in his bed for the night, that’s not protective. It’s stalking. In fact, stalking is the least of what it is.
If he turns up inside your apartment uninvited, it’s not romantic. It’s breaking and entering.
If you tell him you’re not interested and you ask him to leave and he responds by tying you to your bed and having violent sex with you after you repeatedly say “no”, all the while threatening to do worse if you make a noise, it’s not passion. It’s rape.
If he sells your car and buys you a new one without your permission “to surprise you”, it’s not romantic. It’s theft and manipulation.
If he monitors your phone calls and threatens you with physical harm because another man calls you, he’s not in love with you. He’s abusing and controlling you.
If beating you with a leather strap until you cry is what gives him pleasure and he asks you to do it despite your distress because it turns him on and then plays the victim to explain it all away, there is no soundtrack in the world that should quiet the voice in your head that yells out that love and romance were never in the picture and they never will be.
My children, this film was deeply disturbing to me, and I have life experience on my side. I shudder to think that you are going to grow up with stories like this to model relationships on and that you or the people you date will mistake this for ‘normal’.
Please, my precious children, know this: Love is gentle. Love never takes. Love does not demand. Love waits for consent. Love doesn’t need helicopter rides and expensive gifts. Love is enough.
When there’s love, the voice in your head doesn’t yell. It simply doesn’t have to.
My children, listen to me on this, if nothing else.
And, if you choose not to listen to me, then listen to the voice in your head.
With abundant love,
Mum
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Heard a lot about this movie ,all negative! Thanks so much for your words!
I am sorry if I’m just replying to one person’s comment, I’m not sure how else to do it. Here’s my take. First let me say that I am 46 and have been abused, molested and raped (when I was young) and have been with a wonderful man for 21 years now. I do not think anyone under 18 should read these books or see the movies (25 if I’m really being honest but that’s not realistic). Also, I’d like to say your over all message is 100% about how daughters should be treated and how sons should treat women. That being said, in order to understand the movie, you would have to read the books. Yes, he over steps his bounds in various ways, but she is also very attracted and curious. Although the way you’re describing is (as would I if I had only seen the movie and didn’t know the final outcome) pretty accurate, the only thing I can say to somehow explain, is that Christian himself is damaged goods. I am in no way condoning his behavior, just saying that’s what made him this way. In conclusion, by the time all is said and done, this is about him actually learning to love the right way and that is bc of her. A fairy tale love story, no way. Realistic that one should stay with someone that damaged and expect that kind of change, not really. Just my thoughts.
The problem is, this sends the message that a woman can change an abusive man. Which is what we’ve been trying to un-teach for centuries. It’s not realistic, but young minds can’t decipher the difference. It’s the slow and tortuous dumbing of our youth. I’m so scared and sad and angry.
So true!! Let’s hope your voice penetrates in the next generation! How scary…
The book was confusing – I would respectfully say “deliberately so” if I thought that were the case, but I don’t think it was. I remember being a curious young woman and sometimes acquiescing to things out of that curiosity, but what girls don’t understand is that that feeling of giving up your body under uncertain circumstances (or worse) stays with you for the rest of your life and affects all of your future loving relationships negatively. Looking back now I tell my daughter that being strong means going with what you want and feel great about, not making someone else happy and hoping it turns out good for you too.
Thanks for taking that bullet for me. No way will I read it, or ever view the movie, not even to give a truly informed opinion. I read your letter to my daughter who works at a movie house where it is showing. Gladly, she agreed with your assessment and is bewildered by the middle-aged women’s giddiness over such a poorly conceived and demeaning plot.
Amen, sister.
I could not agree more with what you have written here. Full disclosure: I have not read the books and I certainly will not be watching the movie. I am deeply saddened by the media attention this is getting (and in my humble opinion for all the wrong reasons). This is not a positive movie, it is not a story of love. As you say, it is abuse veiled (badly it would seem) as a love story. That a woman wrote it is interesting and shocking at the same time. Thanks for writing this. Your children have an amazing mama!
Thank you. I read the books…….they bothered me in a way I couldn’t describe to my friends, I have zero interest in the movies. I know my friends are all going, they can’t wait….the posts have appeared in my Facebook newsfeed right from the time the announcement was made about the movie. Love is so many things that are GOOD…..this post says everything I feel and lucky me, I don’t have to watch it play out on screen.
I too must admit I read the books and I also felt wierd about them. I never understood how this could be considered a love story. I have strong opinions regarding abuse and domestic violence. Awareness and prevention of such has been an important cause that I staunchly support.
I think others do not view it as you (or I) do. I can’t go and see it, but my girl friends can’t wait. I had years of abuse and even hearing the title everywhere is difficult.
Well done on your post. I’m certainly with you.
Good lord. Now I REALLY don’t want to see this movie. Thanks for the warning. I read the book and I remember it not sitting well with me, but I think the sexy stuff and terrible writing distracted me. If I read it again, I have a feeling I’d be really disturbed.
My daughter is 14 and I fear for her romantic future. Using your article as a talking point…thank you
I have not read the books, nor do I have plans to see the movie. I have heard this referred to as Mommy Porn and know many women found the book exciting.
You put a very interesting perspective on this – all of which I agree with as you have stated it. There is a longing in people to feel connected and to feel special. It becomes a problem with it is one-sided with one person controlling the relationship.
Yes, it is a victim/victor relationship which is not healthy. If both sides are consensual for ‘kinky’ activities, that is a lot different than the situation where 1 person has the power.
Thanks for sharing!
This is the only 50 shades post I have shouted a resounding YES!! to. To think that my daughters will grow up with this as a “romantic” movie/book option, disgusts me. It’s so important to teach them what love is.
I couldn’t agree with you more completely. Many decades ago, I dated a man 20 years my senior who was into this kind of stuff, I couldn’t get away fast enough as soon as I found out. Yuck! This is not love, not fun and certainly not entertainment.
I am with you, 100%. I heard so much about the books, and tried to read the first. But my reaction was exactly like yours: this is just WRONG. Nothing alluring about it; it was disturbed and disturbing.
Beautifully written post.
I was with someone for 15 years, and it wasn’t until I read the book did I realize what a messed up relationship I was in. It was very disturbing for me and I have no interest in seeing the movie. I tell the girls at work it’s no different than 9 1/2 weeks- Mind and Body control.
Are’nt you grateful to the book for opening your eyes to your bad relationship and now are able to make changes and have the chance to a better relationship. You see it’s not all bad.
I agree. I think the movie did not say that what they are portraying is correct. It gives you a chance to weigh what’s right or wrong.
Neither have I read the book, nor plan to see the movie. when I first came across an article about the book, I instinctively knew the book was meant to “titillate” the mind. I did not bother to read it.
Love your post! This is something that needs to be shared. I started reading the book and couldn’t get past the 2nd chapter. It was highly disturbing, violent, abusive, porn. Love is exactly as you said. And I will NOT be seeing the movie.
As a parent and having raised many teenagers that may not be biologically mine but mine in heart, I thank you for putting the truth out there. I pray our younger generations listen to that voice. Thank you again for your words of wisdom.
Thank you thank you thank you. This is what I have been trying to say since I (ashamedly) read the book but you say it so much better. I speak as a survivor of a controlling, physically and mentally abusive relationship who has now been in a loving, respectful relationship for 22 years.
Thank you for your words! I tried to read the book but couldn’t get past the third chapter… There’s a movie that came out the same day as 50 shades, called. “Old fashioned” (in my little home town) the previews say thing that what love is about my favorite one is “love is anything but gray”
Me too! I couldn’t finish it. Didn’t even bought it. Just borrowed the ebook from the library. If the book is to my taste, I wouldn’t be able to put it down. I’ve read Michael Connelly, Iris Johansen, Lee Child, Brad Taylor, Graham Brown, and I usually end up finishing the book ti 4 or 6 am.
I saw the movie with my daughter and I am not of the same opinion as you in fact if you read the books it shows you the reason why he is the way he is and how it took this innocent young lady to change him from being an abused young boy. I loved Fifty Shades of Grey.
Amen. Very true. Thank you. Exactly what I think. Well put.
I think there is a miss-leading here. i have seen the movie and read some parts of the book. I think this character mr.grey is more honest and has a gentleman act somehow. as the story unfolds he has his own passion and desires, but he is a private person. he only shares it with those willing and on their own free will. Infact, he make a letter of agreement and understanding. He doesn’t force the other party to do his will or desires. This story is long before our ages. but it was tastefully made that is not gross to look-at. Again this is not for all ages. But with guidance and open-minded people. Somehow it may help your current relationship or your future relationship about agreements, limitations, being submissive and love and being loved. Hope you look at all the angles and not just the deed itself.. have a great day!
I have read this with my husband twice now, (the book series) and can only extrapolate from your comments that you never read the first book or the other two wherein Grey is put into balance by Ana, who holds ALL the power. You do not seem to understand the bdsm lifestyle. It’s possible that the movie is just poorly made since so much of the real story is in the thoughts of Ana. I don’t know, but I have not seen it yet.
However, the books really are about a very intense relationship, someone’s emotional baggage and the healing that goes on. The sex is a sideline, and a route of self discovery for both characters. I appreciate the comments to your girls about staying away from stalkers and control freaks, but that’s not what the story was about.
Thank you! I agree completely! The movie is ONLY the first book, which if and when there’s a second/third movie, they WILL dive into the love story side of this and the relationship aspect of understanding why people are the way they are and loving them regardless. Also, the 2nd and 3rd books are about Anastasia standing up for what she believes in and helping Christian understand who he is. The first book only builds up to the other 2 books and explains why their relationship is the way it is!
I’ve read all 3 books… Last year…I refused to read it before than but I started in book 2 (from a friend that left it at work) and realized I had to read the first one to see WHY this was going the way it was going.
If I had started at the first book, which reads more like a poorly educated highschooler in heat I would have never gone on to the 2nd or 3rd. As it were, I started in book 2 and backtracked to the first then read the final book.
This may not be your kind of ‘LOVE story”. but it is…. if you were to finish the trilogy. You realize that ANA..innocent and naive as she is…is the one who brings back his innocence and balances him out.
I have no excuse or experience with SM and have NO interest after having read the books or seeing the movie….NOT my thing.
I would NEVER condone this to anyone but it did expose me to things I have Never heard of and had to google to figure out what in the world was going on.
But for everyone Horrified by how Grey seduces Steele it is, iMHO no difference than any man who lures ANY woman into bed without marriage first.
I will teach my children that ABSTINENCE is the only true way to keep themselves pure for the one they will spend their life with, even though statistically those odds are not very strong in our society. it is the only way to prevent horrible STD’s, emotional regret
(regardless of the style of sex), and avoid unwanted pregnancies before they are ready.
I will say I enjoyed the movie on the first book better than the first book itself. It concentrated more on the characters rather than the sex which was very distracting to read and get a sense of WHO these people are.
So if it isn’t your thing, then by all means do not see it or condone it. But it isn’t what all the hype has made it to be.
Yes very well said I to agree with you 100℅
Very well said!! I agree with you 100%
Yes!
Please read the trilogy… As always the book is better than the movie..So far you only watch the Book 1… Book 2 and 3 will surely entice you that Mr. grey is more than sex. Please dont pretend to be know the whole book if you havent read it… its like telling your kids “judge the book by its cover” .
Definitely sharing this, thank you for trying to get the truth out to our younger generation.
Rape and abuse is not romance. Thank you for writing this.
Point well made. But like each of every intellectual mind has different value. You view it that way. In my point, this is no different from any other classic movie like unfaithful.. Indecent proposal, etc. All are precedent of sex during movie promotions and it do gives curiosity to audience. fifty shades has this different taste to the contemporary curious audience. The trilogy has this gist of telling parents of what their son might become when parental responsibilities are omitted during childhood. Not only for christian grey but also for anastasia. Better read the trilogy. For you to clearly understand. I respect that your view is just on the first part. But as I see it, great parental issues has brought the main characters of what they are in the movie.
All I can say is before you condemn this story read the 3 books n put aside thehype sbout the sex scenes. Underneath the hype is a touching love story. Ana falls in Love with a man who is dealing with a lot of emotional damage despite a being adopted by wealthy parents. She shows him how to live n love again thru her determination n love.
Awesome letter. I haven’t read the books or seen the movie, never felt inclined. If my daughters ever do I will have to so I can discus it with them and make it a lesson on what to never accept from a man. Thank you so much for the heads up. Love, A Mother x
Thank you for saving me the trouble of seeing the movie and writing this exact letter myself. I’ll just go ahead and give this to my kids, changing mum to mom and that’s all. Have a lovely day… And I’m only sorry you can’t unwatch what you’ve seen.
I was wondering then what was all the hype about this book. So i bought it and i did not finish reading because it disgusted me. Yes i am a mom too..this book is not for real..its evil and wrong. What makes me sad is that the book is available to teens and they might think all the sex scenarios are the coolest thing when its really not. Its BAD sex…this is what churns out sex offenders…am glad they banned it in some countries and hope they get banned to many more…
Thanks so much for sharing this…
I have not read the book, nor seen the movie, not that I ever will, but your comments made me sad to my core. Your description of what is in the book/movie has left me speechless. How can anyone see this and not feel a little ashamed??How can they see this as a love story???? You are so right when you say this isn’t love. Love is all that this is not. Kind, patient, gentle… I fear for my children. I fear for the future of our generation. If this is accepted as ‘normal’ and what we should be embracing as true love, may God have mercy. Bring on Jesus return I say. Thank you for your summary. I will rest extremely easy in my decision to have no part in such rubbish and pray all the harder for my children and for their future wife and husbands
bravo thank you..wish I could save this blog and share to my daughter..she is still 8..I’m planning to watch it with my 50plus single mom friend but I change my mind
My hubby and I went to watch the movie, but halfway through wanted to leave, as it was quite disturbing! Nothing but eroticism/ pornography packaged as a love story. Scary for my children! Totally agree with you. Thanks for your review.
Love love love that you wrote this. Very true, and poignant and spot on. Thank YOU!!
Thank you for this – it showed a very real danger to our kids and one that we should all be aware of. But not watching the movie or reading the books just because of their content is, in my opinion, narrow minded. Stuff like this is happening out there, and knowing about it gives our next generation the power to choose. I personally loved the books, and agree with those above who say that the story develops further than the first movie shows. I agree too, though, that we don’t want our next generation believing that abuse is ok. We don’t want them growing up thinking that wealth and entitlement mean that no is not no. But …. How is this story different from the fairy tales that my granddaughter is currently obsessed with, that teach her that if you are gorgeous, have beautiful long hair, kiss a frog,etc, you will marry a prince and live happily ever after? Or that if you think happy thoughts you can fly? We must remember that these are just stories and that our children’s future decisions will be based more upon what we teach them, not by movies they have watched.
i agree with you. you words are so inspiring.
The content of your letter mummy is actually what I have in mind…. I did not read the book nor watched the movie but I heard a lot about it’s hot and sexy scenes. For me it’s like a cheap porn that was brought together as one mega movie deceiving or should I say preparing this present generation to a more immoral world to embrace. Thanks for the letter mummy I really appreciate it! God bless you more!!!!
Thank you so much for your article. I have NOT read the book(& have NO interest in doing so). I read your article on another site about child rearing.However when I viewed the comments, expecting them to echo my feelings, I was completely shocked by all the negativity spewing out!
WHAT are people (parents especially )
thinking? It’s very worrisome that so many people claim to see value in such material—–or are they just ‘sheep’ espousing the popular point of view in order to appear ‘cool'(& sexually accomplished)!
I’ve never read your blog, but you say it so tastefully. I’m only sorry you had to watch it. ;P
Thank you for this blog post and hopefully more people reaches it! these are my sentiments exactly. Though i have read the novels (yes, i finished reading the three books) trying to find out why everyone loves christian grey. Yes, the book explained his disturbing past and they grew inlove with each other but it doesnt change the fact that it is an EROTIC NOVEL containing disturbing S&M. I hope our kid’s generation wont find this story an ideal love story because its not. Again, thank you for this post!:)
Iv not watched it but I here negative things to a point that a radio station commented to to let children watch it or allow them wen showing in cinemas. May Allah protect us from the fitnah of this dunya
Thank you so much..I have been telling my friends about this and one of them insisted on watching the movie just coz she read the book..? Well i will forward ur article to her and hopefully she will change her mind. If we don’t agree with this then we should also not be going to watch the movie because then we are supporting it!
It is sad that sex which is suppose to be so sacred (should only happen in marriage) has taken such a form that even the pure love, cordial love is not “exciting” for many people anymore and the minds have become desensitized.
People who watch porn get more and more desensitized to the point that even regular stuff does not excite them anymore and they start looking into pain, child porn, nasty stuff and when that becomes desensitized even that does not pleasure them anymore and they want to act up on given an opportunity or a chance.
I must admit to being rather taken aback at how many women have embraced 50 Shades of Grey, whose story line is based around two people engaging in a toxic, co-dependent relationship, which involves a woman agreeing to be emotionally, mentally and sexually abused, thinly veiled as a story of love, romance and female empowerment. Co-dependence is never about love, whatever they might think; it is about 2 dysfunctional people coming together to feed an emotional need.
I have read reports that some women are feeling sexually liberated by the film – what on earth is liberating or empowering about choosing to allow a man to completely demean and physically harm you? Or you him? Or about making it seem as though not only is this kind of behaviour OK, but it’s also desirable? Or about glorifying domestic abuse, which in some way could still be classed as consensual (which is one of the arguments people are using to make BDSM ‘acceptable’), because for some reason the women chose to stay in the relationship, but may even have resulted in loss of life as a consequence.
If people came out feeling outraged (both at his actions and her consent of them) and wanting to make a stand against this kind of thing, then I would think that the books/film had done a good job. But rather surprisingly the opposite seems to have happened, and BDSM appears to have become ‘cool’. How the heck did that happen?
So what if the lead character had a crap childhood. I am sure those who commit child abuse, rape and murder also have their own sad stories, but that doesn’t make their behaviour any more OK. Nor does it mean that women should put themselves at all kinds of risk by suddenly rushing to their side to try to ‘love’ them into healing either. That’s what highly trained therapists are for.
Surely in the 21st Century we should be encouraging and supporting women to not put up with demeaning and abusive behaviour, not romanticising it into some so-called ‘love story’ and inviting men to do it all the more? Please, show me what is loving about control, manipulation, violence, masochism etc? Or allowing yourself to be on the receiving end of that? Seriously, that is NOT love! Especially as in reality, many women don’t get their happy ending in these situations; far from it. Real life rarely works like that.
If this had been written and directed by a man, with the cinema filled with lone men with their hands down their pants, would people feel quite the same? Would women feel quite so liberated and romantic then?
I know at the end of the day this is just a story, but for some reason it is one many people seem to have taken into their hearts and will end up spilling over into real life. I dread to think of the long-term consequences as a result! This kind of thing makes me feel so sad for humanity, truly it does :-/
This is a great article about the movie, from a psychiatrist’s perspective. I’m in full agreement. Two dysfunctional wounded people in a co-dependent abusive ‘relationship’ has absolutely nothing to do with love or romance!! http://www.megmeekermd.com/2015/02/a-psychiatrists-letter-to-young-people-about-fifty-shades-of-grey/
Thank you for this article, I recently had a “facebook war” after voicing my opinion on these books and this movie after somebody I was an Acquaintance of kept punting these books and has since written her own extremely illiterate piece of erotica nonsense, and now refers to herself as an “author”. The thing that really got to me was that as soon as I voiced my opinion everybody had an opinion on what I had to say, but yet just accept that this is todays norm for a movie like this to be in our society. Many of my friends and even family have spent the entire weekend telling me how wrong I am about this! So was very happy when I was sent this link by one of my supporters (my Father). I too am a Mother who found this to be incredibly frightening that society accepts this sort of abuse as romantic and sexy as I would never wish that type of relationship for either of my children. I started reading the book and found it to be absolute trash, the mind boggles as to how such rubbish could have become as popular as it has. We all need to stick to our guns and continue to tell others how incredibly wrong this is.
For those people justifyin d book by sayin dat d 2nd and 3rd parts made it better;no body has to endure dat kind of treatment watsover,even if its in d name of changin d oda person,ders no guarantee u get dem changed anyway,and u might end up destroyin ur own self.u av to lik wat u do,odawise u r being used.simple as dat.d same christian grey will die bfr allowin his daughter to b treated dat way,even if d person will change.after u av changed u can den com to me
The movie and books are about more than just sex and abuse she had an option to say no but chose to do it that is not rape! She doesnt do anything she does not want to do. If people actually read the books before just judging them they would see the love story behind it. Dont judge something when you havent given it a fair chance.
Thank you for putting this out there. Protecting our minds are very important. What we put into them is what eventually comes out, just like a computer. Everything we read and watch will have an effect on who we are and how we think. I will never read the books or watch the movie and really don’t care why this Christian, by the way an interesting name choice, acts the way he does. Love is kind and respectful always placing the other partner’s desires above yours. Thank you again for posting this online.
@lorriebeauchamp shared your article. So appropriate! I started reading the book about 7 months ago and painfully completed it over the weekend when the media hype mentioned a good ending. I thought how could sexual abuse have a good ending, as so well put by you, the book is just ‘romanticizing sexual abuse’. I also wanted to see who would nail the critique of this book and expose it for what it is – trash. And you certainly did. I love how you broke down all the main elements of the plot and distinctly labelled them. I see this book as misleading especially to the younger ones and even experienced women desperately seeking to believe that sexual behavior, even masochistic, could lead to love. Some will say it’s just a novel of fiction but everything we read influence our thinking, positively or negatively.
I am a movie-goer but I never intended to watch this movie and I hope a lot of people read this article and quash any intention to see this movie.
Great Job.
My mom sent me this after I told her how disappointed I was that these dreaded books were being made into a movie, and my opinion on them. She has never read the books and nor does she plan to see the movie. I, her 18 (19 in two months) year old daughter, have read the first book on the other hand. I was in 8th grade or perhaps I was a high school freshman, but i was dared to my a friend read the first book (My mother does know this). The books were originally writing as Twilight fan-fiction, with Anastasia being Bella and Christian being Edward. This may have been why I had friends take interest in it. The first thing that caught me was how poorly written they were. I have always liked to write and read good books by classic authors, two of my favorites being Hemingway, and Jack London. Because of this the writing was torturous for me. I knew the books were referred to as “Mommy porn” but what I got was not what I expected. Even as a young girl who had never done more than touch a boys hand for a second, I could see that this was NOT a loving relationship. Perhaps I was in the minority at my young age, but I remember not being able to finish the book for multiple reasons. I lost the childish bet, but I did not care.
My mom asked me if I had heard about the books recently as she had friends who have read them and were awaiting the movie. She had vaguely heard what it was about, and had read an article about it in Times magazine.
I said to her something along these lines. Its so strange to me that mature women twice as old as me with many more years of relationship, and sexual experience would be so into these books and the movie. Its not the S&M that bothers me in this its the reasons for the S&M and the way it is portrayed. NOTE: This story was not about two healthy people enjoying kinky sexual activity together, with one temporarily giving into submission for the sexual high. It was about a guy with issues of past sexual abuse from an older woman, using sexual dominance over other woman as a means to cope, or feel in control again. His means of stalking Anastasia and control issues and the fact that the book makes this seem like a normal thing with Anastasia’s reactions too it, makes me cringe. I agree with your article. This is not respectful love, or romance, and nor is it a good example to people from my generation and younger on what relationships should be like.
Did not read it – hearing about it was enough to put me off.
Look, good erotica is fine. Good literature, including a well written love story, is fine. Even fan fic is fine – but not when it disguises abuse as love and violence towards women as “kink”.
I have seen a lot of comments online from women including comments here saying “read all the books, Grey is a damaged soul and her love heals him.” Excuse me – what he needs is many years of therapy.
Subjecting an innocent woman to violence and degradation does, not, first of all, “heal” anything in real life. That’s garbage. Second, it promotes the illusion that “the love of a good woman can save and transform a man”. I call that BS – no abuser of any kind will be transformed into a nurturing, loving, compassionate partner because the woman puts up with his abuse and learns to like it.
The success of the books and now the movie is really making me sick – if you need a contract to limit how much your partner can hurt and humiliate you you – what you need is a lawyer and a restraining order.
To all the women who thought this is an innocent, romantic, titillating read – it is not. If you are not convinced, picture your child in the submissive role. Are you still OK with it?
You know what, its great that you are guiding your daughters. But again, this is a just a movie that was first in fact, a book. Fiction. It is written for open minded people. It is okay to criticize, iys your opinion. None would really want to be hurt like that but again people are different. I, personally, loved the book and the movie but I wouldn’t like that kind of a relationship. You need to understand that parenting is having your child to choose what she or he think is right and learn from their mistakes to make them grow. And you’re role is only to guide, which you are doing right now but again its up to them.
I kept on looking for something strong and convincing to show my friends that this book and it’s movie are far from romantic or lovely but are rather disturbing and very creepy.i would like to thank you for this letter full of love and protection.it isn’t just to your daughters but to every daughter. I would surely share this.
Michelle, I completely agree with your thoughts and am so thrilled with the exposure the piece has brought to you. Hugs and a big squeal of delight for you, dear!
Amen to all that. I struggle to understand why these books and now the film have become so popular.
Without all the viral marketing hype they won’t make the cut as passable airport fiction.
The books are badly written, the plot is wafer thin and the ‘action’ repetitive and downright boring.
Are people’s lives and sex lives so shallow that they think this kind of drivel has real value?
And why do ’50 Shaders’ defend the concept so vehemently — is there some secret collective brainwashing
technique hidden between the lines — it’s a real modern day mystery.
I haven’t seen the movie yet but I have read all three books and while the first book appeared to be very full on, the next book showed her introducing some normality to his way of life. She brought the loving side of him out and showed him how unimportant wealth was. I found the first book to be similar to a mills and boon book.
If people have only read book one, then they’ve only read the introductory. It shows the sort of life some people are born into and how different people influence our lives. The movie is very rarely like the book, so if the movie affended you, read all the books and you’ll find it a very different story. Life and sex is not always roses and there are thorns in all relationships, it’s what you do with it that counts.
I totally agree with your view. I haven’t seen the movie but I’ve read the book. It sadly misguides the young and impressionable into believing and accepting that this so called “relationship” is love and is acceptable. And everything done under the pretense of this “love” is acceptable too.
It sets the bar way too low on self respect and self worth.
Mmmmm, this is a lifestyle choice for certain people, that many of us cannot understand and do not want to adopt. But, there are people who do and it is their choice……..have any of you read “The Story of O”?, published in in 1955, it makes this lot of drivel seem tame and insignificant. The Marquis de Sade???? This has been going on for centuries, you decide whether you want to live it or not, but do not tell those that do that they are wrong. And no, I have not seen the movie and no I’m neither a sadist or masochist, nor do I advocate violence against anyone, however, I do believe in a persons right to choose the lifestyle they want to live. Whether I agree or not. Take note, this is not a story about abuse, it’s one of choice.
Oh how aptley put ……… Amen
I was in this lifestyle for a long time. The movie lies throughout in a fake and twisted way in order to promote disordered relationships. I am sure many will disagree but I can only say, continue lying to yourselves. Doms never buy you nice things they never take you nice places they are busy elsewhere on your birthday. and if you ask them why they are never home they tie you up to medieval devices and leave you standing in high heals all night while they sleep in your bed. And if they are really mad about your questioning and challenging they will invite another woman over to spend the night with them while you are tied up and forced to watch. ( there is always a sub that wants to take over and they love humiliating you and moving in to take your life away even if that means you are homeless and on the street.) then in the morning he sends his one nighter home, tells you she is just waiting in the wings for you to fuck up. He then proceeds rape you with any device he decides to use until all your holes are bleeding – – – BDSM is mind control and abuse BDSM is not a stupid ass cheap romance novel … Wake up and find fulfillment in yourself instead of a other person to tell you they will be responsible for you..
Been toying with the idea of reading the books. Glad I’m yet to gather the courage. The movie has been “restricted” in my country. Still, you are a refreshing voice in the wilderness. Thank you.
Hey Michelle, great letter. You’re my hero! Xx
First let me say I actually agree with you. It is a perfect exams of an abusive relationship. I have read the books (yes, all 3) but have yet to see the movie. I will probably wait until it comes out on DVD, but I will see it as well.
I just want to point out a coherent of things that no one seems to be grasping, THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION. I read the books knowing it was a work of fiction. It’s supposed to make you uncomfortable and I believe it’s supposed to portray an unhealthy relationship.
I don’t know if it’s explained in the movie, but Christian himself was abused as a child which is where his need to be dominant comes from. What I wonder is, if you’re going good to be outraged at the relationship between Christian and Ana, how about a little outrage toward the mother that made this domineering, abusive male? Sorry, but it all seems a little hypocritical to me.
Thanks for allowing me my opinion.
Jenny B
Never been abused, still like the story.
Well said Jenny, my words exactly.
This is a barely adequate work of fiction. By over analysing it we are in grave danger of endowing it with much more importance than it merits and perpetuating the myth that it has something valid to offer the world. I doubt if the 50 Shaders, who support this concept so vehemently, have read another book by another author all year. It’s time we all moved on and got a real life.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I am a marriage and family therapist and I say amen. There are too many women being sucked into relationships that are abusive.
Havent read the books. Or seen the movie & have no desire too. Most of my friends have either read or seen it or both, and had mixed reactions. Good & bad. Besides the thought of women now thinking its all right to be treated like this, what about men that now think its absolutely normal to treat women like that, because ‘thats what they all want, it turns them on, look at them all flocking to the cinema’
I can’t believe this ridiculous thing I’ve just read. Why always see the bad in things…if you don’t like a movie or don’t like a book. Why comment on it? Every one is always seeing things so wrong? What girl wouldn’t love a guy that is buying her things and takes her in a helicopter etc. There is also no sign of rape..never did se say no! You also can’t judge the movie if you haven’t read all three books because this was only part one and things change and its definitely a romantic story. My point that I would just like to make is why can’t you just say “I didn’t like it” why make this huge scene about it!!!!
Hi! I’m from Costa Rica in Central America! I would like to give you thanks for this beautiful letter!!!! Here in my country it was a boom this movie! and I don’t know why!!!?? I don’t want see it, I think is very dangerous and like Counselor (it’s what I do) I would like that women be more critical and analytical!!! I hope more mothers can do more for teach their children to be good people with good hearts like you in this moment!!!!! Again THANKS A LOT!
There is nothing inspiring that comes from a movie (or book) that manipulates lust for love. This is called selfish gratification for all involved in the mass attention of 50 shades of grey. Reading or buying the movie in whatever sort of media, in my view, is showing support for it. If you support something be aware of who is around you because stuff like that doesn’t always inflict just your mind… It is inflicted upon others in the respect of perhaps you being someone that is looked up to or admired. “If there is anything lovely or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.”
question: how can i send this page as link to someone else?
You can share this link: http://theycallmemummy.com/2015/02/13/fifty-shades-of-grey/ or click the social sharing buttons at the bottom of the post 😉
As a writer in would assume you did your research before going on a rant. The movie only reflected the first book. Have you read all three books before forming your opinions? If not, please educate yourself by reading all three before ranting !!!!!!
Unfortunately, unless you have read all three books and understand the underlying story the movie is only a snippet of the books. There has to be at least another 3 movies to come to tell it all. For anyone who has not read the books you cannot possibly comment one way or the other on the movie either.
Yes, the movie is harsh to watch if you do not know what is coming. However, the ADULTS in the story line consent to everything being done. It is a story of a man who, as a child of a crack whore was physically and emotionally abused until the age of 4 when he was finally adopted into a wonderful family. Unfortunately, he never got out of the cycle of abuse. He was brought into the world of S&M by a friend of his mothers as a young teen an continued to allow himself to be abused. Maybe he did or did not know what he was doing, but that inner baby boy was still being abused. Because this was all he knew or at least allowed himself to know, he was truly never loved because he never allowed anyone, including family to get that close. He becomes smitten with young lady, who to the rest of the world is just the “girl next door” but he finds beautiful. He full on admits to her and shows her “his world” and she willingly becomes part of it. At first out of curiosity, but then stays because she is falling in love with him and feels the need to break through a wall she knows he has against love. Lots of things happen between the two of them, their friends and families in the trilogy that eventually leads to the wall crumbling down and him letting her in. In a strange way, like in all peoples relationships, none are alike, love conquers all and they do get their “happily ever after”.
If you will believe, I have neither read the book nor seen the movie, but I have heard of it. After the way you describe it, it makes me sick that the book, which was poorly written with bad grammar, actually got made into a movie! What possesses people to buy into such filth?!!
Thumbs up for this.
I loved your letter. If I had children I would have wished I had written it for them. I have so struggled with the way people have responded to and received theses books. I believe they are harmful and without doubt send the wrong message to both women and men of all ages, but particularly the young. As you say there is nothing romantic about the story, or erotic, or anything else of a positive nature. There may be an element of a fairy tale only in that some featured monsters. It is certainly not a Cinderella story because Cinderella escaped the abuse. It makes is so much harder for me to understand the reaction too when I realized how badly written the books are. You present a very clear and persuasive case for how damaging the books and the film can be. Thank you.
Thank you fellow Mom for this! I’d like to ask your permission to print it and paste it on my “love letters for my sons” notebook. Thanks!
I have read this book twice now, andi will add that “ITS NOT FOR KIDS” besides the point often married couples have sexuall issues in bed, and by reading this it can boost a persons labido, this story, is a love story on its own,its just not your typicall love story. the movie was poorly portreyed as most of the book was annas thoughts, and its S&M not abuseing her, many people like it, not to say that it wasright that he pushed her into it, but in the end he said hell never lay a hand on her like that again, and funny enough she wanted it, we all have our own takeon to how we see it but this article deffinately broudend my perspective on on how different people think, i absalutely love the morrels you teach your kids.and its verry motivating.
after a few months… zero shades of grey..just a fad.
You’re right – thank goodness