When I was a little girl, my mother would read stories to me about nasty, evil little trolls hiding under bridges, with the sole purpose of disrupting the day of innocent passers-by and causing undue stress and misery. When I grew up, however, unlike other mythical creatures, trolls didn’t disappear into the category of imaginary things.
I am here to tell you this: trolls are very real.
I met one a few weeks ago, in fact. Let’s call him Jon. (To protect his identity and such. I’m kind that way.)
This nasty little creature wasn’t hiding under a bridge. No sirree, this troll is so incredibly small, he can hide behind a computer keyboard! Impressive. He lies in wait in his secret hidey-hole until he catches sight of – Da Daaaaaa! – a Mommy Blogger. (He’s not picky – if it writes and has a vagina, it’s fair game). She is his nemesis and he must disarm her and thwart her efforts before she manages to – gasp – make anyone smile.
How does Little Jon go about his work? He arms himself with big words (about the only big thing about him, mind you, poor teensy little man) and pokes, stabs and beats her with them until he feels somewhat less tiny and insignificant. It clearly isn’t a great strategy because he hardly catches his breath before he feels tiny and unimportant once more and again is forced to arm himself and begin to attack her readers. Of course, we never claimed that he’s a mental giant, so let’s give him a break, shall we?
A tip: This feral little creature must not be fed under any circumstances. If you happen to notice him (although he is very small, he is adept at making impressively loud and squeaky noises, irritating enough to want to shuthimthehellup), best practice is to walk on by.
Warning: Ignoring him will, most likely, infuriate him further, causing him to suffer a teensy-temper-tantrum of epic proportions. On the plus side – an angry troll can be wildly entertaining. You might want to get some popcorn.
It’s a big ask, I know – telling you to ignore the miniscule dude – because trolls smell pretty damn funky. Their rank odour tends to mask the beautiful atmostphere created by the Mommy Blogger. Sadly, it has even been known to scare readers away. There is no troll-reek deodorant available at this time, so ladies, we’re going to have to suck it up and clothes-peg our noses. We can handle this – after all, we are nose-deep in poo most days anyway.
My closing message to Little Jon (and I believe I speak for most of the bloggers at Mamapedia): Your vicious words don’t make you bigger. Rather, they diminish you further. Your cruel statements may hurt others but they hurt your cause exponentially more. Attacking people from behind a keyboard shows cowardice. It makes you look weak. You may think you’re a huge scary ogre – sorry to drop this bombshell, but we still see a sad little man squeaking and jumping up and down with a tiny red face.
Little Jon – if you really want to feel big, important and valid, climb out from under that dark, dank bridge. Cross it. Feel the sun on your back. Smile at someone. And when they return your smile, THEN you’ll start to feel tall.
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