After 21 months of pregnancy (collectively…although each one did feel approximately that long), haemorrhoids, nausea, varicose veins, false labour (doesn’t get more fun than that), real labour (a whole other post), cracked nipples, repeated public boob exposures and The Battle With The Scale, there is a bright and magnificent light. There is! It makes all the hard work and humiliation worth it. I present to you Kiddy Quips.
You see, those sweet-smelling, exhausting and delicious babies one day start talking. And their perspective on the world is presented to you daily in delicious little conversational nuggets. Even on those days when they have well and truly beaten you, when the day ends and you’re covered in bodily fluids and bits of congealed breakfast – even on those days, just one of these nuggets has the magical power of wiping the slate clean. Today, I will share with you a sampling of my favourite quips gathered over the 400 years (give or take) I have been mum to Miss M, Little Man and Baby G.
Miss M’s nose was running, so she came to me and said: “Mum, can I have a tissue because my nose is sweating”
Miss M: Mom, what’s a vegetarian?
Me: Someone that eats vegetables.
Miss M: Oh, so we are vegetarians because we eat vegetables.
Me: No – we eat vegetables AND meat. There’s a different name for what we are.
Miss M: I know! We’re Australians!
Little Man: Farts are very dangerous. You could think you need to fart and next thing you poo!
Little Man: The air is white this morning!
Miss M: No, Shay! (EXASPERATED) It’s mist. That’s when a cloud falls on the road.
We once saw a really old lady at the shops. Miss M pulled me aside and stage whispered: “That lady must be so cross! Her mum never put ANY sunscreen on her!”
I was the last one in the car, after shouting “last in is a rotten egg!”. Little Man assured me very kindly though: “don’t worry mum- I think you are a fresh egg!”
An excerpt from Miss M’s writing journal: “…after an earthquake started, all the dinosaurs were egg stinked.”
Miss M to Little Man: I don’t want to die.
Little Man: Why?
Miss M: Because when you die, you go to Heaven and you have to be an angel in a long white dress (even boys) and wear a gold halo and sit on a cloud and play a harp all day long.And Heaven is, like, forever. That is SO boring.
Little Man: Yeah. School is better than Heaven.
On a rainy day, Little Man asked if we could do an “insperiment” . I asked what an insperiment was. He explained that it’s an experiment that we do inside.
Little Man: Peaches are the biggest fruit.
Miss M: No they aren’t. What about watermelons?
Little Man: Well, there isn’t a book called James and the Giant Watermelon.
Miss M: Mum, your eyelids are too big for your eyes. THAT’S why they look wrinkled!
Baby G: Mum, don’t say no to me, okay?
Baby G: Can I have a lolly?
Miss M: mum, I want to go to a Roald Dahl exhibition.
Miss M: because I think maybe archeologists have dug up his bones and rebuilt his skeleton! that would be SO COOL!
Overheard in the playroom-
Little Man: “Miss M, I don’t have to do what you say!”
Miss M: (muttering to herself) “That boy really needs to learn to respect his elders…!”
A random one from Miss M: If you had a really big umbrella and you put it upside down in a pool and you put a pig in it, would it float?
Little Man: This lollipop is too sweet.
Baby G: No, it’s not! It’s ONE sweet!
Baby G: (holding mp3 player) mum, why won’t it work?
Me: It won’t work because it has a flat battery.
Baby G: (turns it over and takes the battery cover off. Points to the battery) no, silly mummy, the battery is NOT flat! It’s ROUND!
Little Man: Today at school there was a very rude boy who said lots of bad swear words.
Me: Like what?
Little Man: He said the “s” word and the “c” word!
Me: (trying to act like I’m not flabbergasted) What words are those?
Little Man: (sounding out the words because they are apparently too bad to say) The “s” word is ‘s-t-oo-p-i-d’ and the “c” word is ‘c-i-l-l’!
Me: (giant exhale…and thinking I don’t mind that my son can’t spell…)
Baby G: abra cadabra sim sala bim, turn Sizzles into a princess!
Little Man: No! Sizzles CANNOT turn into a princess!
Baby G: why?
Little Man: 1) he is a boy (spoken indignantly) 2) he is a dog and 3) your magic wand is just a stick from the $2 shop.
Baby G: okay. Abra cadabra sim sala bim, turn my brother into a princess!
Miss M: Mum, can I PLEASE listen to my MP3 player in bed?
Me: No WAY!
Miss M: PLEASE!
Me: Definitely not at bedtime.
Miss M: (Imploring) But Mum, it has lots of relaxing classical music on it, like Poker Face by Lady Gaga.
Baby G: My friend had a headache in her tummy AND a headache in her bum and THEN she vomited.
And, of course, there are ones like these that remind us that we are just the luckiest people in the world to be allowed to be their parents:
Little Man: Mum, you’re the best lady in the world!
Me: Aaaaww, thanks!
Little Man: Actually, you’re not.
Little Man: Who is your mum?
Me: Granny Gill.
Little Man: Then SHE is the best lady because she made you for me.
Which was your favourite? Have you got any Kiddy Quips to share? I’d love to hear from you.
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