What’s the MOMfessional? It’s a place where Parenting Bloggers can come to write about something that they usually keep hidden. It’s a place where we let our skeletons out of the closet and let ’em dance! Welcome to the MOMfessional – a space where other parenting bloggers can let it all hang out. Each month a blogger will post a piece on his or her blog under the title of MOMfessional, it might be dark and heavy, it may be uproariously funny. It just needs to be something that people don’t talk about or easily ‘fess up to. We’ll link up to it here, so you’ll be able to find each month’s piece right here. Easy peasy. Maybe you know a blogger you’d like to suggest? Send ‘em our way!
Without further ado, here’s Tracy’s MOMfession:
I’m Not The Favourite.
There was a post written on Babble Kids recently by Buzz Bishop about why his older son is his favourite. It caused an outrage by a lot of people who say it was wrong of him to write this post. But, for me, it is what it is. It is what I have lived with for a long time with my own family. It opened some very deep wounds I carry around with me.
I am not the favorite. Neither is my brother. My sister is. She is worshipped by my mother – so much so that it has become a source of humor among family and friends. I’m surprised there isn’t a flag with her face on it hanging over the front door of the house. When I got pregnant my best friend said my mom’s first words were going to be “Oh my Gosh! Your sister is going to be the prettiest aunt!”
No matter what I did, somehow my sister outshined me or received things that I have always coveted but never was able to have: big trampoline, car, brand name clothes. Even on my wedding day, someone commented about me being a beautiful bride – and my mom automatically responded “You should see my other daughter. She’s GORGEOUS.” and then proceeded to take out a picture of my stunning sibling. Really mom? I can’t even have this? It got so ridiculous that I had to disengage myself from my family because every conversation focused on how wonderful and beautiful and skinny and perfect my much younger sister is. I was spiraling into a major fit of depression as my looks begin to fade and my body has been stretched to the limit with my babies.
I am the black sheep. I am high maintenance. I am sensitive and mouthy and always have had low self-esteem. I am Type A and want to be the best. And when I’m not, I fight harder to gain that spot in the winner’s lane. But there’s no winning here. My sister is the baby and has always been the favorite. There’s no opportunity to overthrow her reign. Anytime I tried to speak with my mother about my feelings of this favoritism, I was dismissed and told to stop being so sensitive. Then she immediately ran to my sister to gossip about what I said. Now, my sister won’t talk to me because I’m “mean.” When I have tried to reach out to mend the fences around my families, my mother informed me that I am “harsh and judgmental” which is why no one wants me around.
When I got pregnant with my first child, I fervently prayed that I was having a boy. I cried when I found out that I was having a girl because I didn’t want to end up repeating the relationship I have with my mom (basically a terse phone call every few months). And, when I was pregnant with my second daughter I was terrified that I was going to favor the oldest (or the baby) and this would be something that affected my children for the rest of their lives.
And, my oldest is just like me: sensitive, needy, mouthy and high maintenance. My younger daughter is more like my husband: pushes buttons, bossy, and tough. There are days I prefer being with one over the other – mostly because one of them is having a day where they are robbing me of my will to live. But every single day I make sure to let them know just how much I love them equally. I pay extra special attention to all the gifts I give and things I do to make sure they both feel important in my life. I never want them to feel that I have chosen one over the other. I want them to have a great relationship together too – because they’re the only sisters they’re going to have. Because it’s a great burden to shoulder that your mom loves you less. And I just can’t saddle my babies with that.
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